"Hello name is Mikey and its been 49 days, 14 hours and 27 minutes since my last cigarette". No I actually didn't join SA (Smokers Anonymous) or whatever they call it but maybe I should have.
Allow me to fill you in on life from a 'smokers' perspective and maybe you can be a little more supportive and sympathetic to smokers . First and foremost we know its a filthy disgusting habit, we have the nicotine stained fingers and teeth, the shortness of breath and the smokers cough. We spend our time lurking in the shadows at the train stations, baseball games and we are the obnoxious pushy passenger trying to be the first one off the plane. This isn't an attempt to be rude. We wanna smoke. Not only do we want to smoke, we want to smoke and enjoy it without your stares and disgusted looks on your smug faces.
Smokers are an extremely sociable group in a 'cult' like why and we have a bond and deep understanding of each others vise and addiction. We are well aware of the many chemical additives and toxins added to our brand of smokes specifically to increase our chances of addiction and untimely death. We know this is a taxation cash cow and how we will ultimately become a burden on the health care system. But we are smokers and we don't care.
Now I am a 'Recovering Nicotine Junkie'. That's right I finally decided it was time to quit. "So how do you feel" you ask in that sarcastic 'I told you so' condescending voice? "Miserable, Depressed and Suicidal. I gave up the only true love in my life. The one friend that shared every margarita, sad moment and post sexual experience with me. Smoking is a way of life that allows you to create this bond with inanimate objects and colorful (and often smelly ) places. Smokers often are found outside trash bins, dark alleys and service entrances. We are the present day lepers and are treated accordingly. Please realize that I still hang with my smoking buddies as I'm not going to abandon them because of my change of lifestyle. Plus non-smokers are fucking boring and lame, they want to save money, save their health and save the plant. Smokers on the other hand want to smoke the trees, huff Carbon Monoxide and watch other people exercise as we sip our coffees and puff away. These are the things that make smokers tick.
Some of the signs of a 'Recovering Nicotine Junkie' are relatively easy to spot while others not so much. I particularly have issues when shopping for food. To aid in my smoking cessation I would love to devour an entire side of beef, a bag of chips and a bushel of clams. The problem is people who quit smoking generally get fat, therefore I wander the food store isles looking for that one thing that will possibly soothe my craving for nicotine while I watch my diet. I suffer from insomnia, waking up constantly throughout the night because the first thing a smoker does when they awaken is smoke. I often linger around cigar shops and smoking lounges hoping that the cool people will chat with me as I deeply inhale the residual smoke.
When I am short and terse or loud and unruly towards you please don't take personally because I didn't realize you were self centered idiot until I actually stepped out of the shadows. My immediate needs for attention only became evident once I didn't have a pacifier to take keep me quiet and in order. I walk around like a zombie without a particular destination or plan in mind.
If am going to get a sign for my chest that reads "Don't Mind Me I'm A Quitter".
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Stay The Hell Away From My Beloved Craigslist
Wait a minute... Are you kidding me? Politicians, the same politicians that are caught crossing state lines with high priced call girls and getting blow jobs in Turnpike glory holes, want to stick their two fucking hypocritical cents into my beloved free press anarchic Craigslist? Have they gone stark raving mad? I was working on another post minding my own fucking business when CNN pops up with this news flash "Douche bags put the economy, housing crisis and Swine flu on the hold to attack your freedom of speech"!!!Well I have one for you... "Make prostitution legal dumb asses". Obviously people want it. So instead of trying to please the god damn conservatives, capitalize on it, charge your taxes (which people will gladly pay) give these girls (and guys, trannies and whatever else) health coverage, paid sick days and disability. But no, you fucking Fascist assholes want to ruin the only form of free advertisement left.
Craigslist is run for the people by the people. We don't need government regulation. We don't need you to police us. I stopped writing my 'Anarchy and you' post just to express my discontent. Tell your local politician "don't be a hypocrite and let the people screw".
I personally am not an advocate of prostitution but I am a practitioner of the FREEDOM OF SPEECH...
Mikey
Craigslist is run for the people by the people. We don't need government regulation. We don't need you to police us. I stopped writing my 'Anarchy and you' post just to express my discontent. Tell your local politician "don't be a hypocrite and let the people screw".
I personally am not an advocate of prostitution but I am a practitioner of the FREEDOM OF SPEECH...
Mikey
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Renaissance Festivals, Public Flogging and Late Night Orgies
Medieval Times and The Renaissance periods of history have long been a subject of interest to me. From Robin Hood to King Arthur somewhere in the minds of every boy and girl is the fascination with Kings and Queens, Knights and Kingdoms. Why is this vast time period of so much interest to us all and why do people continue in reevaluating its existence? To further stimulate my curiosity I went to a local Renaissance Faire this weekend to do some research. Of course I felt it is my civic duty to report on anything you wouldn't read about in the local newspaper which will obviously includes anything that pertains to eroticism, sex, and torture. Now of course you're looking at me like 'the dude has freaking lost it yet again'. Okay I am going to do a lot of assuming here. Most (or next to none) of these statements are based on actual verifiable facts and therefore are pure speculation and conjecture. As always my disclaimer...well you know if I've offended you... sorry as I truly do care that you are so fucking sensitive. So shall we begin?
First I do have great admiration for Anachronists. I often feel as though I don't belong in present day society but these people express and act upon it which they should be commended for. Thespians that perform 'live-action role playing' by dressing in period clothing, speaking in antiquated dialect and following a pseudo Monarchy is something I find fascinating. How people can go from their shitty Monday thru Friday lives to being the court jester or serving wench, receiving abuse for their own personal pleasure (and our amusement) is remarkable. They are often taunted, ridiculed and actually willingly participate in these acts. I spent some time watching a woman as she was being hogtied into a four-ply corset that was reinforced with "steel bone". To my amazement she seemed excited and aroused by the process which looked generally painful yet visually stimulating. She obviously just loved to dress in her provocative garb and wander around the kingdom playing her roll. Not only did her bust size increase exponentially, it was somewhat erotic (though she wasn't exactly my 'type') to see how she enjoyed enticing the common folk. How she willingly subjected herself to reduced blood circulation, perverse stares and possible sunburn of the cleavage and her elation by the attention aroused my interest. And why would she do this? For art? For her inability to function in modern day society or is she a sadomasochist? Is there anything wrong with public displays of subtle nudity or even self induced torture? I personally don't think so but is there more to these acts than was visible? That was what I needed to find out.
Now for the record this event was a family event and the actors and merchants knew it. They truly acted tastefully and entertained my family in this experience. Please don't fear a Renaissance Faire purely on my demented observations or delusion. The festivals are an excellent source for an educational weekend outing where you can observe life of a previous era. Now allow me to discuss some casual observations. The general objective to a Renaissance Faire is to recreate a former time period in history generally with the Middle Ages. Often these fairs are hosted by groups of reenactors that are heavily devoted to recreating the past as realistically as possible. They will generally dress, speak and act similar to the people from the era they are replicating. Often they will attempt to be as historically accurate as possible while others are simulating a "fantasy world" similar to Dungeons and Dragons or real to life "wargaming". The Faires are generally set up on a grassy field where rows of tents form a village type environment. At the far end of this village was the main stage for period dancing (belly dancing included) singing and juggling. The outskirts of this village housed the "game" fields for the events that included jousting, archery (including the atalatl), ax throwing and hand to hand combat. From my observations these "games" require great skill, strength and agility.
So to familiarize you with the "Kingdom" we will start with discussing the merchants as this was my first destination. One of the first shops I browsed in was the small arms dealer who only sold "historical replicas and throwing tools". Now these are only replicas of broadswords, battle axes, daggers and crossbows. Please realize these 'replicas' are purely designed for reenacting and not for mutilation, mayhem and torture. I must tell you I would be somewhat uncomfortable if I knew these 'replicas' were getting into the wrong hands but I am sure the merchants are professional and scrutinize all perspective customers. Besides how can you fault a merchant that also sells bullwhips, collars, shackles and leather handcuffs. These items are obviously intended to accurately reenact Medieval orgies and torture and thankfully aren't winding up in the bedrooms of middle class America (wink wink). Now as I previously stated this was a family type atmosphere and therefore obvious public displays of torture and uninhibited sex are not taking place. How do I know? Trust me because I was looking and if I saw anything I'd be the first to report it. Matter of a fact one of the merchants was polite enough to 'explain' to my children what many of the items he sold were intended for. There was a large wooden 'cutting board' for bread or cheese. Also the 'dog collars' for the pooch in black, red and purple ( with Stainless Steel or Chrome over Brass rings for "wink wink" durability). He also sold leather lashes and 'cat-o-nine tails' that luckily neither of us had to define to my overwhelmed children. But this vendor was cool and suave. He knew about his wares and just how to sell them. He asked me at least three or four times if I knew how to use the 'gear' and if I had 'any questions'. Needless to say he also sold some beautifully hand crafted armor and leather vambraces. He is a longtime armourer and therefore was extremely knowledgeable of the production as well as product testing of his equipment. Some of the other vendors were of less interest to me as they were only selling period jewelry, clothing and cutlery. You also had a couple of metal smiths fashioning steel swords and spears and of course the food vendors selling festival food as well as turkey legs. I must tell you I was somewhat disheartened by the lack of beer or wine but I'll get over it. Okay so on to some of the reenactors.
As I wondered about the 'Kingdom' I watched some of the different tournaments. One of the first I watched was the jousting. The arena was a large penned in area about the six of a football field. Running lengthwise down the field is a fence that separates the field in two halves. Armoured Knights on horseback ride towards each other in a semi-gallop with various weapons and proceed to stab and jab each other. Now of course these are all simulated duels and is very engaging to watch. You meet the 'Queen' and cheer on your Knight as he battles for victory.
The adjoining field consisted of so simple hay bales. They were primarily for the dressing of the Knights and assistants. Spectators were on the opposing side of a fence. These Knights were performing full contact hand to hand combat. The knights were dressed in full body armour that varied between steel and leather. The Knights wore metal helmets with face guards and the weapons that they used were wrapped with foam and duct tape.They jabbed and stabbed at each other with vicious blows to the head and torso as they attempted to drive their opponent to the ground. If you think just because the weapons were foamed that the warriors weren't fighting trust me, these were hard and fast blows generally resulting in the knights wrestling each other to the ground. The attacks are spontaneous and I'm sure painful but the actors always shake hands or give a hug to their opponent after each bout to show they are sportsmen.
Now my favorite event of the day was the archery. This was again a long fenced in field that was several yards long. At various distances were targets set up to ready to receive the days barrage of projectiles. We had long bows, short bows, axes and probably my favorite the atalatl. Allow me to proceed in proper order the sequence of events instead of rushing in to hear about my favorite event. As the archers line up in a row side by side (envision a Roman invasion) the archers take turns firing arrows at the various targets. The interesting thing is this targets varied in distance from the archers and they were shooting into a strong headwind. Now I haven't a clue on how to shoot an arrow but from my observations there is a technique to gauging height and distance as well as compensation for the wind. Now for some Mikey perversion that only I can appreciate... "Jane"? Yeah she arrived with a dude who looked to be of Hawaiian decent. They arrived with a full cache of weapons that included multiple longbows, various sheathes of arrows and spears. Now let me just tell you about "Jane". She was dressed in a bodice type top and skirt made of rawhide type leather. It was very primitive and therefore I had to stare. Now what I learned was how one properly tensions a long bow. "Jane" grabbed the bow with her hands, stepped on one end, lifted her other leg and pulled the bow string taught. Now I am admittedly a pervert but only in a journalistic manner. I saw "Jane's" underwear!!! Oh so now you want to know too. And I'm the pervert. Major disappointment. I thought the would be made of sheep's leather or something to go along with the 'theme'. Nope she was wearing so white lace bloomers. Jane if your reading this you need primal panties!!! Anyway on to the long bows. I overhead conversations on the proper arching of the wood, the release point of the arrow and the natural curve that the arrow launches in. This was relatively impressive and I could definitely see why the bow and arrow are some lethal. Now for the most interesting event, the firing of the atalatl. Okay I wrote this word three times and you didn't bother to look it up so I will give you a brief description. As one of the oldest weapons in history the atalatl consists of a long spear and a sling made of leather or wood. The sling accepts the back end of the spear and increases the velocity and thrust by projecting the spear forward. It isn't as accurate as the arrow but it is superior to hand throwing of the spear. We went through a series of alternating throws between Jane and her male acquaintance. I have seen an episode on the Discovery channel showcasing the atalatl and the puncturing of steel armour.
So on to the torture and orgies. I honestly don't have anything to report. I mean the merchants and actors had a full day in by the time I arrived and I'd envision a rough day again on Sunday before they cleaned up and went back to their normal selves. I'm sure some flogging and kink happens occasionally but I believe most of the participants are just to exhausted. Now I need to head to Pennsic. This is a two week long "war" in western Pennsylvania where people really "live" the era. I want to see the 'iron maidens' and 'pillory torture'. This I hear is not for families or the faint at heart.... I am so there....
One thing that thankfully the reenactors didn't try to recreate was the "smell" of Medieval times.
To be completed and continued later... This will be an ongoing quest...
First I do have great admiration for Anachronists. I often feel as though I don't belong in present day society but these people express and act upon it which they should be commended for. Thespians that perform 'live-action role playing' by dressing in period clothing, speaking in antiquated dialect and following a pseudo Monarchy is something I find fascinating. How people can go from their shitty Monday thru Friday lives to being the court jester or serving wench, receiving abuse for their own personal pleasure (and our amusement) is remarkable. They are often taunted, ridiculed and actually willingly participate in these acts. I spent some time watching a woman as she was being hogtied into a four-ply corset that was reinforced with "steel bone". To my amazement she seemed excited and aroused by the process which looked generally painful yet visually stimulating. She obviously just loved to dress in her provocative garb and wander around the kingdom playing her roll. Not only did her bust size increase exponentially, it was somewhat erotic (though she wasn't exactly my 'type') to see how she enjoyed enticing the common folk. How she willingly subjected herself to reduced blood circulation, perverse stares and possible sunburn of the cleavage and her elation by the attention aroused my interest. And why would she do this? For art? For her inability to function in modern day society or is she a sadomasochist? Is there anything wrong with public displays of subtle nudity or even self induced torture? I personally don't think so but is there more to these acts than was visible? That was what I needed to find out.
Now for the record this event was a family event and the actors and merchants knew it. They truly acted tastefully and entertained my family in this experience. Please don't fear a Renaissance Faire purely on my demented observations or delusion. The festivals are an excellent source for an educational weekend outing where you can observe life of a previous era. Now allow me to discuss some casual observations. The general objective to a Renaissance Faire is to recreate a former time period in history generally with the Middle Ages. Often these fairs are hosted by groups of reenactors that are heavily devoted to recreating the past as realistically as possible. They will generally dress, speak and act similar to the people from the era they are replicating. Often they will attempt to be as historically accurate as possible while others are simulating a "fantasy world" similar to Dungeons and Dragons or real to life "wargaming". The Faires are generally set up on a grassy field where rows of tents form a village type environment. At the far end of this village was the main stage for period dancing (belly dancing included) singing and juggling. The outskirts of this village housed the "game" fields for the events that included jousting, archery (including the atalatl), ax throwing and hand to hand combat. From my observations these "games" require great skill, strength and agility.
So to familiarize you with the "Kingdom" we will start with discussing the merchants as this was my first destination. One of the first shops I browsed in was the small arms dealer who only sold "historical replicas and throwing tools". Now these are only replicas of broadswords, battle axes, daggers and crossbows. Please realize these 'replicas' are purely designed for reenacting and not for mutilation, mayhem and torture. I must tell you I would be somewhat uncomfortable if I knew these 'replicas' were getting into the wrong hands but I am sure the merchants are professional and scrutinize all perspective customers. Besides how can you fault a merchant that also sells bullwhips, collars, shackles and leather handcuffs. These items are obviously intended to accurately reenact Medieval orgies and torture and thankfully aren't winding up in the bedrooms of middle class America (wink wink). Now as I previously stated this was a family type atmosphere and therefore obvious public displays of torture and uninhibited sex are not taking place. How do I know? Trust me because I was looking and if I saw anything I'd be the first to report it. Matter of a fact one of the merchants was polite enough to 'explain' to my children what many of the items he sold were intended for. There was a large wooden 'cutting board' for bread or cheese. Also the 'dog collars' for the pooch in black, red and purple ( with Stainless Steel or Chrome over Brass rings for "wink wink" durability). He also sold leather lashes and 'cat-o-nine tails' that luckily neither of us had to define to my overwhelmed children. But this vendor was cool and suave. He knew about his wares and just how to sell them. He asked me at least three or four times if I knew how to use the 'gear' and if I had 'any questions'. Needless to say he also sold some beautifully hand crafted armor and leather vambraces. He is a longtime armourer and therefore was extremely knowledgeable of the production as well as product testing of his equipment. Some of the other vendors were of less interest to me as they were only selling period jewelry, clothing and cutlery. You also had a couple of metal smiths fashioning steel swords and spears and of course the food vendors selling festival food as well as turkey legs. I must tell you I was somewhat disheartened by the lack of beer or wine but I'll get over it. Okay so on to some of the reenactors.
As I wondered about the 'Kingdom' I watched some of the different tournaments. One of the first I watched was the jousting. The arena was a large penned in area about the six of a football field. Running lengthwise down the field is a fence that separates the field in two halves. Armoured Knights on horseback ride towards each other in a semi-gallop with various weapons and proceed to stab and jab each other. Now of course these are all simulated duels and is very engaging to watch. You meet the 'Queen' and cheer on your Knight as he battles for victory.
The adjoining field consisted of so simple hay bales. They were primarily for the dressing of the Knights and assistants. Spectators were on the opposing side of a fence. These Knights were performing full contact hand to hand combat. The knights were dressed in full body armour that varied between steel and leather. The Knights wore metal helmets with face guards and the weapons that they used were wrapped with foam and duct tape.They jabbed and stabbed at each other with vicious blows to the head and torso as they attempted to drive their opponent to the ground. If you think just because the weapons were foamed that the warriors weren't fighting trust me, these were hard and fast blows generally resulting in the knights wrestling each other to the ground. The attacks are spontaneous and I'm sure painful but the actors always shake hands or give a hug to their opponent after each bout to show they are sportsmen.
Now my favorite event of the day was the archery. This was again a long fenced in field that was several yards long. At various distances were targets set up to ready to receive the days barrage of projectiles. We had long bows, short bows, axes and probably my favorite the atalatl. Allow me to proceed in proper order the sequence of events instead of rushing in to hear about my favorite event. As the archers line up in a row side by side (envision a Roman invasion) the archers take turns firing arrows at the various targets. The interesting thing is this targets varied in distance from the archers and they were shooting into a strong headwind. Now I haven't a clue on how to shoot an arrow but from my observations there is a technique to gauging height and distance as well as compensation for the wind. Now for some Mikey perversion that only I can appreciate... "Jane"? Yeah she arrived with a dude who looked to be of Hawaiian decent. They arrived with a full cache of weapons that included multiple longbows, various sheathes of arrows and spears. Now let me just tell you about "Jane". She was dressed in a bodice type top and skirt made of rawhide type leather. It was very primitive and therefore I had to stare. Now what I learned was how one properly tensions a long bow. "Jane" grabbed the bow with her hands, stepped on one end, lifted her other leg and pulled the bow string taught. Now I am admittedly a pervert but only in a journalistic manner. I saw "Jane's" underwear!!! Oh so now you want to know too. And I'm the pervert. Major disappointment. I thought the would be made of sheep's leather or something to go along with the 'theme'. Nope she was wearing so white lace bloomers. Jane if your reading this you need primal panties!!! Anyway on to the long bows. I overhead conversations on the proper arching of the wood, the release point of the arrow and the natural curve that the arrow launches in. This was relatively impressive and I could definitely see why the bow and arrow are some lethal. Now for the most interesting event, the firing of the atalatl. Okay I wrote this word three times and you didn't bother to look it up so I will give you a brief description. As one of the oldest weapons in history the atalatl consists of a long spear and a sling made of leather or wood. The sling accepts the back end of the spear and increases the velocity and thrust by projecting the spear forward. It isn't as accurate as the arrow but it is superior to hand throwing of the spear. We went through a series of alternating throws between Jane and her male acquaintance. I have seen an episode on the Discovery channel showcasing the atalatl and the puncturing of steel armour.
So on to the torture and orgies. I honestly don't have anything to report. I mean the merchants and actors had a full day in by the time I arrived and I'd envision a rough day again on Sunday before they cleaned up and went back to their normal selves. I'm sure some flogging and kink happens occasionally but I believe most of the participants are just to exhausted. Now I need to head to Pennsic. This is a two week long "war" in western Pennsylvania where people really "live" the era. I want to see the 'iron maidens' and 'pillory torture'. This I hear is not for families or the faint at heart.... I am so there....
One thing that thankfully the reenactors didn't try to recreate was the "smell" of Medieval times.
To be completed and continued later... This will be an ongoing quest...
Friday, May 15, 2009
Why I May Be Fascist and Should Be Elected as Chancellor of Education
You know the deal. In present day society you need to put a disclaimer on everything. I mean come on the coffee is hot. No shit if it wasn't you'd be wearing it. The floor is wet. Seriously the bucket of water, smell of cleanser and you holding a mop wasn't enough of a clue. Harmful or fatal if swallowed. I love to drink paint thinner with my Wheat Thins don't you?
Okay seriously I am not a Fascist or a Nazi. As a matter of a fact I am hugely opposed to Fascism and all that it represents (and no I don't want to join the Revolution or the American Communist party either). So please no racial slurs or death threats please... Thanks
Also to all the teachers out there trying to educate our children and truly caring thank you (Jen take a bow).
Okay so here it goes:
Compulsory education and why it doesn't fucking work. How should we fix it and why. An Essay on Educational Fascism.
If you have read any of my posts you must know by now that I am functionally illiterate. I barely have a grasp on the English language and therefore my grammar sucks. I fully blame it on my shitty compulsory education. As a matter of a fact I can barely even remember the names of most of my school teachers. I spent the better part of a year with them and they have just vaporized from my mind. Why? Because they sucked. They didn't teach by leading, they followed some bullshit curriculum written by some half wit douche bag. Losers sucking the huge educational systems left tit. ( I know its the left tit cuz if it was the right tit the schools would be Fascist) Now as a fine example of a teacher I remember to this day, a prime example of school Fascism and why it would work is Mr. Franz. He taught 8th grade American History. He was German and he was a Nazi (in a figurative sense). So why was he an excellent teacher? Why was I so inspired by him that I would bother to write about him? Because I learned. That's right I learned and it was by fear and respect. "You Will Learn" he'd shout from the front of the class. You were never late for his class, you never chewed gum in his class and you always paid 100% attention to his every word. You sat at the edge of your seat feverishly writing down every word... every breathe... and why? Because at any given moment he might call upon you. He would interrogate you in front of the class. And you would WANT to know the answers. He didn't follow some textbook...This dude wrote the fucking book. Here it is like 22 years later and I remember those lectures like it was yesterday. [Mind you when I say Fascist and Nazi I mean it in a figurative sense. We were never beaten or physically harmed. And mentally he only made my brain burn.]
Alright allow me to explain. Lets start with textbooks:
BURN THEM... 'Huh now Mikey has lost it'. Why is it that I can go to the bookstore and buy a cloth bound coffee table book with beautiful photos and bright vivid colors for like $20.00 bucks yet the United States of America, the largest economy in the world can't buy fucking books. WTF!!! I can do it yet these dumbasses can't get this accomplished. Here's a fashion question. Why do styles and trends repeat themselves? So the schoolbooks don't look so out of date. Give the kids a Kindle or a laptop and burn the books. Haven't they heard of PDF's?
New Math= New World Order. What is wrong with the old math? I mean you know... If the bill is $10.25 and I give you a $20 and a quarter you give me back a $10. You don't need the register to tell you, no need to call the front end manager, just give me my fucking change. We have virtual Geometry. I mean really for over 2000 years they were teaching it wrong? The little bastards even get to use calculators. WTF... Lazy degenerative society. Simpletons.
I am a School Fascist and therefore strongly support school UNIFORMS. Why? Because it works. Look at parochial schools. Enough Said.
Why are your kids fat? No gym. Or 'No Fat Fuck Left Behind'. I know they still have gym but minimally. This day in age we can give the kids a well balanced meal and have them run around the track a few laps.
And speaking of "no child left behind" bullshit. So you have one dumbass that just doesn't get it the remaining 28 kids in the class have to suffer. Give me a break. When I was in school there was segregation. And not by race, color or creed more so like Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Fucking Brain Dead...So anyway don't isolate your stupid kid so he feels socially inept. No make sure that every other kid in the class learns less so your kid feels smart. Lower the standards so any moron can pass. Screw it lets just teach what's on the standardized tests so we can get more funding to waste more money not teaching jack shit.
Now do you know another reason your kids aren't learning and who is to blame? You the parents. That's right you bleeding liberals... Your kid needs to follow the rules because they are not special. He needs to be respectful. He needs to leave his 'pacifiers' at home (his Gameboy, PSP, Ipod, IPhone) Do you believe at last years back to school night the grunts and dismay from the parents when the Principle of the school stated "third offense we keep it to the end of the year" policy on your kids crap. That means after the parents had to come to the school twice to pick up this crap your little brat still didn't learn. Mommy and Daddy listen up. "Don't let you brat bring them to school and/or teach them disciple". Otherwise I as the Chancellor of Education will have to.
What happened to SHOP? Home Economics? Seriously we used to build birdhouses, bend metal boxes, rebuild carburetors on lawn mowers, change oil on cars... Bake apple pie, wash dishes, EGG Babies... Any of this shit ring a bell?
Computer Class now this is where I really get fucking pissed. I am seeing red and you about to get a Mikey's verbal ass whooping. When I was in school we had computer class in BASIC. Yes that's right no operating system. So we had to program the damn things. All day for the computer to say 'good morning' 'how are you'? So the little tike's now-a-days they have power point, excel, word, the Internet. Amazing they can navigate a computer like the best of them. They teach me how to use some of these programs. Now how does a computer work? Blank Stares... What is a bite? Bit? Binary code? Holy Shit!! so the little bastards don't have to use a typewriter. No more carbon paper, whiteout... Okay but that means the little shits shouldn't learn the basic concepts of makes a computer tick? Wasted youth.
This is the digital age. We can teach this mass population via satellites and the Internet. People get masters degrees online but little Johnny has to sit in a classroom and rot...
So Elect Mikey Chancellor of Education and I promise I will teach your kids. They will learn respect, discipline, hard work, how to dress, how to take care of themselves.
Okay seriously I am not a Fascist or a Nazi. As a matter of a fact I am hugely opposed to Fascism and all that it represents (and no I don't want to join the Revolution or the American Communist party either). So please no racial slurs or death threats please... Thanks
Also to all the teachers out there trying to educate our children and truly caring thank you (Jen take a bow).
Okay so here it goes:
Compulsory education and why it doesn't fucking work. How should we fix it and why. An Essay on Educational Fascism.
If you have read any of my posts you must know by now that I am functionally illiterate. I barely have a grasp on the English language and therefore my grammar sucks. I fully blame it on my shitty compulsory education. As a matter of a fact I can barely even remember the names of most of my school teachers. I spent the better part of a year with them and they have just vaporized from my mind. Why? Because they sucked. They didn't teach by leading, they followed some bullshit curriculum written by some half wit douche bag. Losers sucking the huge educational systems left tit. ( I know its the left tit cuz if it was the right tit the schools would be Fascist) Now as a fine example of a teacher I remember to this day, a prime example of school Fascism and why it would work is Mr. Franz. He taught 8th grade American History. He was German and he was a Nazi (in a figurative sense). So why was he an excellent teacher? Why was I so inspired by him that I would bother to write about him? Because I learned. That's right I learned and it was by fear and respect. "You Will Learn" he'd shout from the front of the class. You were never late for his class, you never chewed gum in his class and you always paid 100% attention to his every word. You sat at the edge of your seat feverishly writing down every word... every breathe... and why? Because at any given moment he might call upon you. He would interrogate you in front of the class. And you would WANT to know the answers. He didn't follow some textbook...This dude wrote the fucking book. Here it is like 22 years later and I remember those lectures like it was yesterday. [Mind you when I say Fascist and Nazi I mean it in a figurative sense. We were never beaten or physically harmed. And mentally he only made my brain burn.]
Alright allow me to explain. Lets start with textbooks:
BURN THEM... 'Huh now Mikey has lost it'. Why is it that I can go to the bookstore and buy a cloth bound coffee table book with beautiful photos and bright vivid colors for like $20.00 bucks yet the United States of America, the largest economy in the world can't buy fucking books. WTF!!! I can do it yet these dumbasses can't get this accomplished. Here's a fashion question. Why do styles and trends repeat themselves? So the schoolbooks don't look so out of date. Give the kids a Kindle or a laptop and burn the books. Haven't they heard of PDF's?
New Math= New World Order. What is wrong with the old math? I mean you know... If the bill is $10.25 and I give you a $20 and a quarter you give me back a $10. You don't need the register to tell you, no need to call the front end manager, just give me my fucking change. We have virtual Geometry. I mean really for over 2000 years they were teaching it wrong? The little bastards even get to use calculators. WTF... Lazy degenerative society. Simpletons.
I am a School Fascist and therefore strongly support school UNIFORMS. Why? Because it works. Look at parochial schools. Enough Said.
Why are your kids fat? No gym. Or 'No Fat Fuck Left Behind'. I know they still have gym but minimally. This day in age we can give the kids a well balanced meal and have them run around the track a few laps.
And speaking of "no child left behind" bullshit. So you have one dumbass that just doesn't get it the remaining 28 kids in the class have to suffer. Give me a break. When I was in school there was segregation. And not by race, color or creed more so like Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Fucking Brain Dead...So anyway don't isolate your stupid kid so he feels socially inept. No make sure that every other kid in the class learns less so your kid feels smart. Lower the standards so any moron can pass. Screw it lets just teach what's on the standardized tests so we can get more funding to waste more money not teaching jack shit.
Now do you know another reason your kids aren't learning and who is to blame? You the parents. That's right you bleeding liberals... Your kid needs to follow the rules because they are not special. He needs to be respectful. He needs to leave his 'pacifiers' at home (his Gameboy, PSP, Ipod, IPhone) Do you believe at last years back to school night the grunts and dismay from the parents when the Principle of the school stated "third offense we keep it to the end of the year" policy on your kids crap. That means after the parents had to come to the school twice to pick up this crap your little brat still didn't learn. Mommy and Daddy listen up. "Don't let you brat bring them to school and/or teach them disciple". Otherwise I as the Chancellor of Education will have to.
What happened to SHOP? Home Economics? Seriously we used to build birdhouses, bend metal boxes, rebuild carburetors on lawn mowers, change oil on cars... Bake apple pie, wash dishes, EGG Babies... Any of this shit ring a bell?
Computer Class now this is where I really get fucking pissed. I am seeing red and you about to get a Mikey's verbal ass whooping. When I was in school we had computer class in BASIC. Yes that's right no operating system. So we had to program the damn things. All day for the computer to say 'good morning' 'how are you'? So the little tike's now-a-days they have power point, excel, word, the Internet. Amazing they can navigate a computer like the best of them. They teach me how to use some of these programs. Now how does a computer work? Blank Stares... What is a bite? Bit? Binary code? Holy Shit!! so the little bastards don't have to use a typewriter. No more carbon paper, whiteout... Okay but that means the little shits shouldn't learn the basic concepts of makes a computer tick? Wasted youth.
This is the digital age. We can teach this mass population via satellites and the Internet. People get masters degrees online but little Johnny has to sit in a classroom and rot...
So Elect Mikey Chancellor of Education and I promise I will teach your kids. They will learn respect, discipline, hard work, how to dress, how to take care of themselves.
Top 10 Reasons That Recessions Are Good
1) I can honestly say I haven't seen a bad movie since this recession began. (Maybe that's because I can't afford to go to the damn movies) No really I have gone to see a few and you know what? I only go see movies I really really want to see. Hollywood of course won't be subjected to this recession as much as you and I. They are bound to continue producing shitty movies so I just avoid them.
2) I haven't had a bad meal since this recession began. (I can't afford to eat much so I cherish every morsel) No really you think twice about wasting your last ten bucks on a fatty soybean sodium burger and vegetable fat laden potatoes. Super size? Fuck off I'll drink water.
3) The commute to work is great. I don't sit in traffic and now not only do I get my own seat on the train, sometimes I have my own train car. Actually that's not really true but I do generally have my own seat (cause I stare at everyone like I'm Jack in the Shining)
4)All the strippers and prostitutes are smarter. Yeah these poor girls used to strip to put themselves through college. Now that they have graduated to a sour job market and toxic economy there aren't any jobs. Therefore they just continue at their existing vocation with a twist. Now there is nothing more erotic than talking politics with a girl in go-go boots and pasties while drinking a Guinness. Actually it is kind of sad but really how many more investment bankers does the world need?
5) The customer again is always right and finally you can take a frigging stance. If the quality or service you receive sucks, throw it back at them, rip the shelving off the walls, tell the manager his policy sucks and he can shove the widget up his fucking ass. I will not stand for bullshit. I went to buy $50 worth of paint the other day from Home Depot. Two damn employees just blatantly disregarded my existence. So what did Mikey do complain? Nope. Tell the manager to suck his ass? Nope. I fucking slammed the shit down on the counter and walked out. Fuck them. Fuck them today and for eternity. "rot in hell you spawn of Satan". They have screwed me over enough times and I had to bend over and take the orange stick up the poop shoot well not anymore. I went to Lowe's where I was treated with class and dignity. I was so happy to spend my $50 bucks there I nearly humped the poor girls leg. To Lowe's, you have a customer forever. I know $50 is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I've literally spend ten's of thousands in that hideous orange store and never did I get treated well. Nardelli fucked that company, took the money and ran and now he's fucked up the third largest American car manufacturer too. You DICK I drive Jeeps!!!
6) I can cancel my gym membership. Why? Because I do my own laundry, iron my own shirts, polish my own shoes, change my own oil, clean my own house, mow my own lawn, clean my own gutters, wash my own car, rake my own leaves, cut my own hair, build my own furniture, hem my own pants. Not only do I not have any time to go... I'm burnt out.
7) Darwinism has entered the workplace. You know that fucking amoeba they hired out of desperation. You know the one who not only has a better cubicle than you, shows up later than you, leaves earlier than you, does less than you and spends the bulk of their (the bosses time really) bitching... You know the one... GONE.. Sayonara!!! Don't let the door hit you in your fat fucking ass.
8) Economic Stimulus Baby... That's right all the money that Uncle Sam has sucked out of you like a tapeworm you're gonna get back. Not only will they issue hundreds of billions of dollars to stimulate the economy, they may actually have some cash to fix the fucked up Jersey roads, the dilapidated bridges, build more schools, sports arenas, and power plants... That's right. And guess what... Your grand kids can pay it all back suckers...
9) The Nuclear Family may become a thing of the past. Mom and Dad can't afford the taxes on their shitbox and the bank is about to take yours so consolidate. Move right back home. Take over dads hobby room for your kids big screen and Playstation. Have pops roll the old Caddy onto the drive because you and wifey poo need to get comfy. Show dad how to us Ebay and Craigslist to sell off his collection of Elvis records and fly fishing equipment. He's gonna need the cash because his retirement fund has vaporized.
10) You can go back to dumping your used motor oil in the neighbors yard. You can screw recycling and throw all the shit in one bag (your gonna dump it in the pizzerias dumpster anyway). Use your Aerosol cans again (Big Hair Rules). Forget about green house gases and emissions. Get the 68 Hemi Cuda outta the storage unit and rip and tear up the streets. You can lead the shit out of your paint, your gas and your pencil because nobody is going to give a shit about you polluting the environment. Not when we have toxic debt, toxic banks, toxic corporations, toxic real estate, toxic insurers, toxic budgets and a toxic economy...
Mikey Over...
2) I haven't had a bad meal since this recession began. (I can't afford to eat much so I cherish every morsel) No really you think twice about wasting your last ten bucks on a fatty soybean sodium burger and vegetable fat laden potatoes. Super size? Fuck off I'll drink water.
3) The commute to work is great. I don't sit in traffic and now not only do I get my own seat on the train, sometimes I have my own train car. Actually that's not really true but I do generally have my own seat (cause I stare at everyone like I'm Jack in the Shining)
4)All the strippers and prostitutes are smarter. Yeah these poor girls used to strip to put themselves through college. Now that they have graduated to a sour job market and toxic economy there aren't any jobs. Therefore they just continue at their existing vocation with a twist. Now there is nothing more erotic than talking politics with a girl in go-go boots and pasties while drinking a Guinness. Actually it is kind of sad but really how many more investment bankers does the world need?
5) The customer again is always right and finally you can take a frigging stance. If the quality or service you receive sucks, throw it back at them, rip the shelving off the walls, tell the manager his policy sucks and he can shove the widget up his fucking ass. I will not stand for bullshit. I went to buy $50 worth of paint the other day from Home Depot. Two damn employees just blatantly disregarded my existence. So what did Mikey do complain? Nope. Tell the manager to suck his ass? Nope. I fucking slammed the shit down on the counter and walked out. Fuck them. Fuck them today and for eternity. "rot in hell you spawn of Satan". They have screwed me over enough times and I had to bend over and take the orange stick up the poop shoot well not anymore. I went to Lowe's where I was treated with class and dignity. I was so happy to spend my $50 bucks there I nearly humped the poor girls leg. To Lowe's, you have a customer forever. I know $50 is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I've literally spend ten's of thousands in that hideous orange store and never did I get treated well. Nardelli fucked that company, took the money and ran and now he's fucked up the third largest American car manufacturer too. You DICK I drive Jeeps!!!
6) I can cancel my gym membership. Why? Because I do my own laundry, iron my own shirts, polish my own shoes, change my own oil, clean my own house, mow my own lawn, clean my own gutters, wash my own car, rake my own leaves, cut my own hair, build my own furniture, hem my own pants. Not only do I not have any time to go... I'm burnt out.
7) Darwinism has entered the workplace. You know that fucking amoeba they hired out of desperation. You know the one who not only has a better cubicle than you, shows up later than you, leaves earlier than you, does less than you and spends the bulk of their (the bosses time really) bitching... You know the one... GONE.. Sayonara!!! Don't let the door hit you in your fat fucking ass.
8) Economic Stimulus Baby... That's right all the money that Uncle Sam has sucked out of you like a tapeworm you're gonna get back. Not only will they issue hundreds of billions of dollars to stimulate the economy, they may actually have some cash to fix the fucked up Jersey roads, the dilapidated bridges, build more schools, sports arenas, and power plants... That's right. And guess what... Your grand kids can pay it all back suckers...
9) The Nuclear Family may become a thing of the past. Mom and Dad can't afford the taxes on their shitbox and the bank is about to take yours so consolidate. Move right back home. Take over dads hobby room for your kids big screen and Playstation. Have pops roll the old Caddy onto the drive because you and wifey poo need to get comfy. Show dad how to us Ebay and Craigslist to sell off his collection of Elvis records and fly fishing equipment. He's gonna need the cash because his retirement fund has vaporized.
10) You can go back to dumping your used motor oil in the neighbors yard. You can screw recycling and throw all the shit in one bag (your gonna dump it in the pizzerias dumpster anyway). Use your Aerosol cans again (Big Hair Rules). Forget about green house gases and emissions. Get the 68 Hemi Cuda outta the storage unit and rip and tear up the streets. You can lead the shit out of your paint, your gas and your pencil because nobody is going to give a shit about you polluting the environment. Not when we have toxic debt, toxic banks, toxic corporations, toxic real estate, toxic insurers, toxic budgets and a toxic economy...
Mikey Over...
Why You Need To Comprehend Literally and Figuratively And Chill The Hell Out
Alright now here it goes...
First and foremost most if not all of the context written here in the first person is real. I mean real thoughts, concepts and psycho babble. These topics are written in the Literal sense. This means you should take what I say at face valve and feel it is actually the truth or Mikey gospel. Got it? Good.
Now if I am writing about other people like my parents most of the time it is in the figurative sense. This means it is meant to symbolize and/or exaggerate the topic. This means my parents didn't literally live on a hippie commune and most certainly didn't capitalize off the last Brittany album. The fact is they are hard working people that I am using to symbolize an entire generation of people.
So to my faithful readers (all two of you) I don't always literally mean what I say and often it is purely for the comic relief.
Take your chill pill and call me later.
Mikey
First and foremost most if not all of the context written here in the first person is real. I mean real thoughts, concepts and psycho babble. These topics are written in the Literal sense. This means you should take what I say at face valve and feel it is actually the truth or Mikey gospel. Got it? Good.
Now if I am writing about other people like my parents most of the time it is in the figurative sense. This means it is meant to symbolize and/or exaggerate the topic. This means my parents didn't literally live on a hippie commune and most certainly didn't capitalize off the last Brittany album. The fact is they are hard working people that I am using to symbolize an entire generation of people.
So to my faithful readers (all two of you) I don't always literally mean what I say and often it is purely for the comic relief.
Take your chill pill and call me later.
Mikey
Thursday, May 14, 2009
American Media Has Made Me A Paranoid Freak
So your asking me "dude what are you so paranoid for"? Let Mikey explain it to you. First I have a great appreciate for communal living. By that I mean modern Condo/ Apartment complexes and communities and not hippie communes that my parents lived on. First it minimizes Urban sprawl which generally pisses me off but again lets stick to one topic at a time. Now modern type apartment communities almost treat you with some decency. They often have patios or decks, central air, garages and washer/ dryers. You are almost living like a normal family. So why do you need to know this? Again because my parents screwed us all over... again. How is that? In two distinct yet relative ways.
Reason one was during their 70's wild color disco days they had these Chinese neighbors. They actually owned and ran the local Chinese restaurant. That place was my introduction to Wonton Soup and Sweet and Sour Pork. So therefore you must realize I am in no way shape or form making any racial statements against the Chinese (or any one culture in particular). So how did mom and dad screw the Peking Duck you ask? "Get to the point man". Well they knew that the entire staff of the restaurant lived in that two bedroom apartment. Now why did they not turn them in a make a big shitstink? Well now what did they do us? Nothing. As a matter of a fact they made it so a middle class family could afford to go out and eat. If the staff of 10-12 people needed to each find a domicile forget it. Chinese food would be as expensive as French food.
Its funny but one of my traits (and possibly an annoying one) is my rambling on and on about nonsense before I eventually get to the point. So back to mom and dad... Well they are fucking Capitalists ( you know that I am a Capitalist as well so watch it) so they need to make money. Big money. They sell widgets. They talk derivatives and short selling. They also invest in REIT's.. What is that you ask? Real Estate Investment Trusts. What exactly is that? Well that is basically a corporation that invests in real estate (for profit of course). So they have sold their freaking morals for profits. "Mikey dude what they hell does this have to do with you being paranoid"?
Well I happen to live in on of these complexes. College kids come and go. Corporations rent them for employee relocation's. Some families live here and then you have the Chinese family across the courtyard (remember I don't want to sound prejudice but WTF). So let me explain.
I live in a three bedroom two bathroom 1600 square foot apartment. That is much smaller than the McMansion you people live in but that is for an entire different post. We have a garage and laundry room on the ground floor and the remainder of the apartment is on the second floor. We have a small balcony off the living room to eat dinner on summer evenings (and to smoke until I quit). Now I am positive that the apartment across the courtyard is a mirror image of mine. So why am I fucking flipping out? Because they didn't move in... they invaded. The bedrooms are lined with bunk beds. I can't give an exact amount but generally feel a minimum of six people occupy each room. Now is that enough to freak me out. No way. My parents taught me that some people make sacrifices to get ahead. I'm truly compassionate to that. So why am I flipping out. What is the conspiracy? Why am I living in fear? The living room is lined with card tables. The 'neighbors' sit at these tables with laptops all day long. They also have a card table on the balcony with two of them on laptops. They attempt to mask their activities with sheets and blankets. So what the hell is going on in there? Are they hosting porn sites? Well than its all good. Are they running an import business? Computer programmers? Or are they some para-military unit? Are they hacking into my supposed to be secure wireless network and stealing peoples identities. Who the hell knows? But Mikey will find out. I will sacrifice life and limb to get to the bottom of it. And if it is your favorite porn site is being served to you via my hacked into my network don't be pissed to one night when it goes all fuzzy. It will be cuz I pulled all the wires outta my house and lined the walls with aluminum foil.
Early morning update... They are still out there...
Reason one was during their 70's wild color disco days they had these Chinese neighbors. They actually owned and ran the local Chinese restaurant. That place was my introduction to Wonton Soup and Sweet and Sour Pork. So therefore you must realize I am in no way shape or form making any racial statements against the Chinese (or any one culture in particular). So how did mom and dad screw the Peking Duck you ask? "Get to the point man". Well they knew that the entire staff of the restaurant lived in that two bedroom apartment. Now why did they not turn them in a make a big shitstink? Well now what did they do us? Nothing. As a matter of a fact they made it so a middle class family could afford to go out and eat. If the staff of 10-12 people needed to each find a domicile forget it. Chinese food would be as expensive as French food.
Its funny but one of my traits (and possibly an annoying one) is my rambling on and on about nonsense before I eventually get to the point. So back to mom and dad... Well they are fucking Capitalists ( you know that I am a Capitalist as well so watch it) so they need to make money. Big money. They sell widgets. They talk derivatives and short selling. They also invest in REIT's.. What is that you ask? Real Estate Investment Trusts. What exactly is that? Well that is basically a corporation that invests in real estate (for profit of course). So they have sold their freaking morals for profits. "Mikey dude what they hell does this have to do with you being paranoid"?
Well I happen to live in on of these complexes. College kids come and go. Corporations rent them for employee relocation's. Some families live here and then you have the Chinese family across the courtyard (remember I don't want to sound prejudice but WTF). So let me explain.
I live in a three bedroom two bathroom 1600 square foot apartment. That is much smaller than the McMansion you people live in but that is for an entire different post. We have a garage and laundry room on the ground floor and the remainder of the apartment is on the second floor. We have a small balcony off the living room to eat dinner on summer evenings (and to smoke until I quit). Now I am positive that the apartment across the courtyard is a mirror image of mine. So why am I fucking flipping out? Because they didn't move in... they invaded. The bedrooms are lined with bunk beds. I can't give an exact amount but generally feel a minimum of six people occupy each room. Now is that enough to freak me out. No way. My parents taught me that some people make sacrifices to get ahead. I'm truly compassionate to that. So why am I flipping out. What is the conspiracy? Why am I living in fear? The living room is lined with card tables. The 'neighbors' sit at these tables with laptops all day long. They also have a card table on the balcony with two of them on laptops. They attempt to mask their activities with sheets and blankets. So what the hell is going on in there? Are they hosting porn sites? Well than its all good. Are they running an import business? Computer programmers? Or are they some para-military unit? Are they hacking into my supposed to be secure wireless network and stealing peoples identities. Who the hell knows? But Mikey will find out. I will sacrifice life and limb to get to the bottom of it. And if it is your favorite porn site is being served to you via my hacked into my network don't be pissed to one night when it goes all fuzzy. It will be cuz I pulled all the wires outta my house and lined the walls with aluminum foil.
Early morning update... They are still out there...
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