1) I can honestly say I haven't seen a bad movie since this recession began. (Maybe that's because I can't afford to go to the damn movies) No really I have gone to see a few and you know what? I only go see movies I really really want to see. Hollywood of course won't be subjected to this recession as much as you and I. They are bound to continue producing shitty movies so I just avoid them.
2) I haven't had a bad meal since this recession began. (I can't afford to eat much so I cherish every morsel) No really you think twice about wasting your last ten bucks on a fatty soybean sodium burger and vegetable fat laden potatoes. Super size? Fuck off I'll drink water.
3) The commute to work is great. I don't sit in traffic and now not only do I get my own seat on the train, sometimes I have my own train car. Actually that's not really true but I do generally have my own seat (cause I stare at everyone like I'm Jack in the Shining)
4)All the strippers and prostitutes are smarter. Yeah these poor girls used to strip to put themselves through college. Now that they have graduated to a sour job market and toxic economy there aren't any jobs. Therefore they just continue at their existing vocation with a twist. Now there is nothing more erotic than talking politics with a girl in go-go boots and pasties while drinking a Guinness. Actually it is kind of sad but really how many more investment bankers does the world need?
5) The customer again is always right and finally you can take a frigging stance. If the quality or service you receive sucks, throw it back at them, rip the shelving off the walls, tell the manager his policy sucks and he can shove the widget up his fucking ass. I will not stand for bullshit. I went to buy $50 worth of paint the other day from Home Depot. Two damn employees just blatantly disregarded my existence. So what did Mikey do complain? Nope. Tell the manager to suck his ass? Nope. I fucking slammed the shit down on the counter and walked out. Fuck them. Fuck them today and for eternity. "rot in hell you spawn of Satan". They have screwed me over enough times and I had to bend over and take the orange stick up the poop shoot well not anymore. I went to Lowe's where I was treated with class and dignity. I was so happy to spend my $50 bucks there I nearly humped the poor girls leg. To Lowe's, you have a customer forever. I know $50 is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I've literally spend ten's of thousands in that hideous orange store and never did I get treated well. Nardelli fucked that company, took the money and ran and now he's fucked up the third largest American car manufacturer too. You DICK I drive Jeeps!!!
6) I can cancel my gym membership. Why? Because I do my own laundry, iron my own shirts, polish my own shoes, change my own oil, clean my own house, mow my own lawn, clean my own gutters, wash my own car, rake my own leaves, cut my own hair, build my own furniture, hem my own pants. Not only do I not have any time to go... I'm burnt out.
7) Darwinism has entered the workplace. You know that fucking amoeba they hired out of desperation. You know the one who not only has a better cubicle than you, shows up later than you, leaves earlier than you, does less than you and spends the bulk of their (the bosses time really) bitching... You know the one... GONE.. Sayonara!!! Don't let the door hit you in your fat fucking ass.
8) Economic Stimulus Baby... That's right all the money that Uncle Sam has sucked out of you like a tapeworm you're gonna get back. Not only will they issue hundreds of billions of dollars to stimulate the economy, they may actually have some cash to fix the fucked up Jersey roads, the dilapidated bridges, build more schools, sports arenas, and power plants... That's right. And guess what... Your grand kids can pay it all back suckers...
9) The Nuclear Family may become a thing of the past. Mom and Dad can't afford the taxes on their shitbox and the bank is about to take yours so consolidate. Move right back home. Take over dads hobby room for your kids big screen and Playstation. Have pops roll the old Caddy onto the drive because you and wifey poo need to get comfy. Show dad how to us Ebay and Craigslist to sell off his collection of Elvis records and fly fishing equipment. He's gonna need the cash because his retirement fund has vaporized.
10) You can go back to dumping your used motor oil in the neighbors yard. You can screw recycling and throw all the shit in one bag (your gonna dump it in the pizzerias dumpster anyway). Use your Aerosol cans again (Big Hair Rules). Forget about green house gases and emissions. Get the 68 Hemi Cuda outta the storage unit and rip and tear up the streets. You can lead the shit out of your paint, your gas and your pencil because nobody is going to give a shit about you polluting the environment. Not when we have toxic debt, toxic banks, toxic corporations, toxic real estate, toxic insurers, toxic budgets and a toxic economy...
Mikey Over...
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