Why the Music Industry Is Fucked and Its My Parents Fault

Okay so here it goes. I will begin this blog by stating my actual objective and motive for stealing my bosses time as I write this shit, your time as you read this trash and my time as I am probably just rotting my brain. And so it goes like this...
I truly happen to love my parents. I'm well aware of the fact that parenting is a tough job and with the exception of a few minor hiccups my parents did a great job. So why am I blaming the economy, moral decay and my animosity on my parents? I'm not. So please allow me to explain. It is my personal belief that because of my parents generation or "baby boomers" if you will, my generation (Generation X'ers) have been manipulated, lied to, cheated and generally pissed on. Now who the hell am I to blame this mess on my parents and even more an entire generation of people? Nobody. Just another knucklehead who can navigate around the computer. So why do I blame this on my parents? I'm not. I am using them in a figurative sense to identify the culprits.
So how did my parents fuck up the Music Industry? Simple... They sold us shitty music and ripped off the artists in the process. What? How the hell can you say that. This dude has lost his mind!!! Nope lets look at it from Mikey's perspective...
Beatle Mania, The King, Grateful Dead... Jimi Hendrix... Led Zeppelin. What do these musicians have in common? They were good. They were original. They inspired generations. And they sold records... Huh???
I know what you're saying... Mikey dude you have lost it. But again my parents have screwed me and I'm gonna tell you why...
Profits... Entitlement...And GREED
Alright sit down in the back row and allow me to explain. My parents listened to the radio. They heard a good song so they... Dropped a quarter in the jukebox to hear it play, went out and bought the single, dedicated the song to their girl at a dance and... If they really liked the band... They bought the record... They went to the concert... They were freaking loyal fans. A new album was released and they bought it. They listened to the songs over and over. They went to more concerts... We are talking WOODSTOCK, Monterey Pops Festival, free love, LSD and artistic expression... We are talking bra burning (now I hope my parents weren't flag burners because that's not patriotic) and then... Disco?? Alright if you listen to it some of it isn't so bad but WTF really happened?? My free loving pot smoking parents became fucking capitalists... Now this post is not intended for a political debate and trust me I am undoubtedly a capitalist but come on now.
The Age of Decadence... MTV, mix tapes (Generation Y'ers may need to look this up), downloads... Wait a fucking minute... Most of these things weren't as bad as you think but what happened to the talent. When my parents realized if they just bombarded my pea brain with tons of irrelevant marketed shit and realized I was no longer their son but a unit... Mother Fucker does come to mind... So you are saying not only is Mikey's blog grammatically incorrect but he has not a clue of how the music business even works...
Oh now what a damn minute. I didn't insult you. Maybe my parents fucked you over but that's not my fault.
So it goes like this...
You and a few of your stoner friends con your capitalist parents into buying you some guitars and an amps. You in turn see some dude in Floyd shirt and go "yo dude ya play". He responds with some nervous twitch that you equate to as a 'yeah' and you drag you shit over to the dudes garage and write some shitty songs. You play countless hours and realize once the Prozac kicks in you're inspired. You and the dudes scrounge together your McDonald's paychecks and scam your parents outta your college funds. Jump into an old shitbox Dodge van and hit the road. You play one shithole after another. You have to fight the bar owners to collect your pay, hope and pray some fucking crack head (also my parents fault) doesn't steal your gear and watch out for the cops (also my parents fault) who wanna give you a ticket for a malfunctioning taillight and bald tires.
But then as luck my have it some parasite A&R dillweed sees your set. "You got a record deal?" (Just as a sidebar... There is no such thing as a deal. That's a word my parents made up that means assfucking) So of course our interest is peaked. You reply with a soft spoken "no". And next thing you know.. Your a ROCK STAR baby... You sign a contract (Remember my parents also invented fine print) and you are recording baby. Some minor tweaking to your look, your name, your dignity and your general demeanor and... You are screwed... WHAT??? Yes SCREWED!!!
You and the stoners wrote all those songs. But you may not own them anymore. You recorded those songs and guess what... After you pay the producer, the engineer, the lawyers, the accountants, and every other blood sucking leach out there the band gets the royalty check. And how much is that you ask? Generally $1- 2 per "unit". And don't forget the merchandising deal... again $1-2 per unit. So if a band is lucky enough to sell a million records, they may wind up with a hundred grand. So where the hell does the rest of my hard earned money go? ( besides Uncle Sam) It goes to my damn parents.... Yeah there they are with the fake tans, fake tits, gold watches and bleached white teeth... Good Old Mom and Dad... They take big chunks of the artists cash. So what does Myle's and the Stinky Fish Mongrels do... They go on tour...
Well that sounds cool right? You get to travel and see the world. Well kinda but... You live out of a suitcase. You have to sleep in a bunk on a bus next to Phlegm the drummer. You have to do interviews and guest appearances on radio stations that keep you interested by asking original questions like... "So how do you like the tour? "Well Rod its just fucking great. I haven't had a home cooked meal in 3 months, my jock itch is acting up cuz I now realize leather pants, stage lights, sweat and beer don't mix. Some groupie stole my left boot but other than that it's just freaking great." But the nice thing about tours is... it was harder for my parents to fuck the band over until... The 360 Record Deal baby. Please note, my parents are marketing geniuses. If there is a way to make a dishonest buck... they are on it like flies on shit. So what is a 360 deal? Its the record labels form of taxes... "Now Mikey I looked up the 360 deal and its nothing like taxes." Read between the lines dumbass. My parents have got their grimy little hands in all of the artists pockets. Record sales, DVD's, downloads, merchandising, tours. And yet the artist is fucked again.
But wait... Thankfully there is a moral to my story. A happy ending. A means to end. Yes there is my friends and its called... Indie... Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead, Prince. They give it away free and what... We still pay. And why? To support the ARTIST. That right, the artist. Buy their CD's, download the songs, got to a concert and burn your bras cuz Trent Reznor has set you free... And my parents didn't see him coming...

Well that's all for now. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna wash down my anti-depressant with my Mocha Latte and call it a day.
Mikey