"Hello name is Mikey and its been 49 days, 14 hours and 27 minutes since my last cigarette". No I actually didn't join SA (Smokers Anonymous) or whatever they call it but maybe I should have.
Allow me to fill you in on life from a 'smokers' perspective and maybe you can be a little more supportive and sympathetic to smokers . First and foremost we know its a filthy disgusting habit, we have the nicotine stained fingers and teeth, the shortness of breath and the smokers cough. We spend our time lurking in the shadows at the train stations, baseball games and we are the obnoxious pushy passenger trying to be the first one off the plane. This isn't an attempt to be rude. We wanna smoke. Not only do we want to smoke, we want to smoke and enjoy it without your stares and disgusted looks on your smug faces.
Smokers are an extremely sociable group in a 'cult' like why and we have a bond and deep understanding of each others vise and addiction. We are well aware of the many chemical additives and toxins added to our brand of smokes specifically to increase our chances of addiction and untimely death. We know this is a taxation cash cow and how we will ultimately become a burden on the health care system. But we are smokers and we don't care.
Now I am a 'Recovering Nicotine Junkie'. That's right I finally decided it was time to quit. "So how do you feel" you ask in that sarcastic 'I told you so' condescending voice? "Miserable, Depressed and Suicidal. I gave up the only true love in my life. The one friend that shared every margarita, sad moment and post sexual experience with me. Smoking is a way of life that allows you to create this bond with inanimate objects and colorful (and often smelly ) places. Smokers often are found outside trash bins, dark alleys and service entrances. We are the present day lepers and are treated accordingly. Please realize that I still hang with my smoking buddies as I'm not going to abandon them because of my change of lifestyle. Plus non-smokers are fucking boring and lame, they want to save money, save their health and save the plant. Smokers on the other hand want to smoke the trees, huff Carbon Monoxide and watch other people exercise as we sip our coffees and puff away. These are the things that make smokers tick.
Some of the signs of a 'Recovering Nicotine Junkie' are relatively easy to spot while others not so much. I particularly have issues when shopping for food. To aid in my smoking cessation I would love to devour an entire side of beef, a bag of chips and a bushel of clams. The problem is people who quit smoking generally get fat, therefore I wander the food store isles looking for that one thing that will possibly soothe my craving for nicotine while I watch my diet. I suffer from insomnia, waking up constantly throughout the night because the first thing a smoker does when they awaken is smoke. I often linger around cigar shops and smoking lounges hoping that the cool people will chat with me as I deeply inhale the residual smoke.
When I am short and terse or loud and unruly towards you please don't take personally because I didn't realize you were self centered idiot until I actually stepped out of the shadows. My immediate needs for attention only became evident once I didn't have a pacifier to take keep me quiet and in order. I walk around like a zombie without a particular destination or plan in mind.
If am going to get a sign for my chest that reads "Don't Mind Me I'm A Quitter".
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Stay The Hell Away From My Beloved Craigslist
Wait a minute... Are you kidding me? Politicians, the same politicians that are caught crossing state lines with high priced call girls and getting blow jobs in Turnpike glory holes, want to stick their two fucking hypocritical cents into my beloved free press anarchic Craigslist? Have they gone stark raving mad? I was working on another post minding my own fucking business when CNN pops up with this news flash "Douche bags put the economy, housing crisis and Swine flu on the hold to attack your freedom of speech"!!!Well I have one for you... "Make prostitution legal dumb asses". Obviously people want it. So instead of trying to please the god damn conservatives, capitalize on it, charge your taxes (which people will gladly pay) give these girls (and guys, trannies and whatever else) health coverage, paid sick days and disability. But no, you fucking Fascist assholes want to ruin the only form of free advertisement left.
Craigslist is run for the people by the people. We don't need government regulation. We don't need you to police us. I stopped writing my 'Anarchy and you' post just to express my discontent. Tell your local politician "don't be a hypocrite and let the people screw".
I personally am not an advocate of prostitution but I am a practitioner of the FREEDOM OF SPEECH...
Mikey
Craigslist is run for the people by the people. We don't need government regulation. We don't need you to police us. I stopped writing my 'Anarchy and you' post just to express my discontent. Tell your local politician "don't be a hypocrite and let the people screw".
I personally am not an advocate of prostitution but I am a practitioner of the FREEDOM OF SPEECH...
Mikey
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Renaissance Festivals, Public Flogging and Late Night Orgies
Medieval Times and The Renaissance periods of history have long been a subject of interest to me. From Robin Hood to King Arthur somewhere in the minds of every boy and girl is the fascination with Kings and Queens, Knights and Kingdoms. Why is this vast time period of so much interest to us all and why do people continue in reevaluating its existence? To further stimulate my curiosity I went to a local Renaissance Faire this weekend to do some research. Of course I felt it is my civic duty to report on anything you wouldn't read about in the local newspaper which will obviously includes anything that pertains to eroticism, sex, and torture. Now of course you're looking at me like 'the dude has freaking lost it yet again'. Okay I am going to do a lot of assuming here. Most (or next to none) of these statements are based on actual verifiable facts and therefore are pure speculation and conjecture. As always my disclaimer...well you know if I've offended you... sorry as I truly do care that you are so fucking sensitive. So shall we begin?
First I do have great admiration for Anachronists. I often feel as though I don't belong in present day society but these people express and act upon it which they should be commended for. Thespians that perform 'live-action role playing' by dressing in period clothing, speaking in antiquated dialect and following a pseudo Monarchy is something I find fascinating. How people can go from their shitty Monday thru Friday lives to being the court jester or serving wench, receiving abuse for their own personal pleasure (and our amusement) is remarkable. They are often taunted, ridiculed and actually willingly participate in these acts. I spent some time watching a woman as she was being hogtied into a four-ply corset that was reinforced with "steel bone". To my amazement she seemed excited and aroused by the process which looked generally painful yet visually stimulating. She obviously just loved to dress in her provocative garb and wander around the kingdom playing her roll. Not only did her bust size increase exponentially, it was somewhat erotic (though she wasn't exactly my 'type') to see how she enjoyed enticing the common folk. How she willingly subjected herself to reduced blood circulation, perverse stares and possible sunburn of the cleavage and her elation by the attention aroused my interest. And why would she do this? For art? For her inability to function in modern day society or is she a sadomasochist? Is there anything wrong with public displays of subtle nudity or even self induced torture? I personally don't think so but is there more to these acts than was visible? That was what I needed to find out.
Now for the record this event was a family event and the actors and merchants knew it. They truly acted tastefully and entertained my family in this experience. Please don't fear a Renaissance Faire purely on my demented observations or delusion. The festivals are an excellent source for an educational weekend outing where you can observe life of a previous era. Now allow me to discuss some casual observations. The general objective to a Renaissance Faire is to recreate a former time period in history generally with the Middle Ages. Often these fairs are hosted by groups of reenactors that are heavily devoted to recreating the past as realistically as possible. They will generally dress, speak and act similar to the people from the era they are replicating. Often they will attempt to be as historically accurate as possible while others are simulating a "fantasy world" similar to Dungeons and Dragons or real to life "wargaming". The Faires are generally set up on a grassy field where rows of tents form a village type environment. At the far end of this village was the main stage for period dancing (belly dancing included) singing and juggling. The outskirts of this village housed the "game" fields for the events that included jousting, archery (including the atalatl), ax throwing and hand to hand combat. From my observations these "games" require great skill, strength and agility.
So to familiarize you with the "Kingdom" we will start with discussing the merchants as this was my first destination. One of the first shops I browsed in was the small arms dealer who only sold "historical replicas and throwing tools". Now these are only replicas of broadswords, battle axes, daggers and crossbows. Please realize these 'replicas' are purely designed for reenacting and not for mutilation, mayhem and torture. I must tell you I would be somewhat uncomfortable if I knew these 'replicas' were getting into the wrong hands but I am sure the merchants are professional and scrutinize all perspective customers. Besides how can you fault a merchant that also sells bullwhips, collars, shackles and leather handcuffs. These items are obviously intended to accurately reenact Medieval orgies and torture and thankfully aren't winding up in the bedrooms of middle class America (wink wink). Now as I previously stated this was a family type atmosphere and therefore obvious public displays of torture and uninhibited sex are not taking place. How do I know? Trust me because I was looking and if I saw anything I'd be the first to report it. Matter of a fact one of the merchants was polite enough to 'explain' to my children what many of the items he sold were intended for. There was a large wooden 'cutting board' for bread or cheese. Also the 'dog collars' for the pooch in black, red and purple ( with Stainless Steel or Chrome over Brass rings for "wink wink" durability). He also sold leather lashes and 'cat-o-nine tails' that luckily neither of us had to define to my overwhelmed children. But this vendor was cool and suave. He knew about his wares and just how to sell them. He asked me at least three or four times if I knew how to use the 'gear' and if I had 'any questions'. Needless to say he also sold some beautifully hand crafted armor and leather vambraces. He is a longtime armourer and therefore was extremely knowledgeable of the production as well as product testing of his equipment. Some of the other vendors were of less interest to me as they were only selling period jewelry, clothing and cutlery. You also had a couple of metal smiths fashioning steel swords and spears and of course the food vendors selling festival food as well as turkey legs. I must tell you I was somewhat disheartened by the lack of beer or wine but I'll get over it. Okay so on to some of the reenactors.
As I wondered about the 'Kingdom' I watched some of the different tournaments. One of the first I watched was the jousting. The arena was a large penned in area about the six of a football field. Running lengthwise down the field is a fence that separates the field in two halves. Armoured Knights on horseback ride towards each other in a semi-gallop with various weapons and proceed to stab and jab each other. Now of course these are all simulated duels and is very engaging to watch. You meet the 'Queen' and cheer on your Knight as he battles for victory.
The adjoining field consisted of so simple hay bales. They were primarily for the dressing of the Knights and assistants. Spectators were on the opposing side of a fence. These Knights were performing full contact hand to hand combat. The knights were dressed in full body armour that varied between steel and leather. The Knights wore metal helmets with face guards and the weapons that they used were wrapped with foam and duct tape.They jabbed and stabbed at each other with vicious blows to the head and torso as they attempted to drive their opponent to the ground. If you think just because the weapons were foamed that the warriors weren't fighting trust me, these were hard and fast blows generally resulting in the knights wrestling each other to the ground. The attacks are spontaneous and I'm sure painful but the actors always shake hands or give a hug to their opponent after each bout to show they are sportsmen.
Now my favorite event of the day was the archery. This was again a long fenced in field that was several yards long. At various distances were targets set up to ready to receive the days barrage of projectiles. We had long bows, short bows, axes and probably my favorite the atalatl. Allow me to proceed in proper order the sequence of events instead of rushing in to hear about my favorite event. As the archers line up in a row side by side (envision a Roman invasion) the archers take turns firing arrows at the various targets. The interesting thing is this targets varied in distance from the archers and they were shooting into a strong headwind. Now I haven't a clue on how to shoot an arrow but from my observations there is a technique to gauging height and distance as well as compensation for the wind. Now for some Mikey perversion that only I can appreciate... "Jane"? Yeah she arrived with a dude who looked to be of Hawaiian decent. They arrived with a full cache of weapons that included multiple longbows, various sheathes of arrows and spears. Now let me just tell you about "Jane". She was dressed in a bodice type top and skirt made of rawhide type leather. It was very primitive and therefore I had to stare. Now what I learned was how one properly tensions a long bow. "Jane" grabbed the bow with her hands, stepped on one end, lifted her other leg and pulled the bow string taught. Now I am admittedly a pervert but only in a journalistic manner. I saw "Jane's" underwear!!! Oh so now you want to know too. And I'm the pervert. Major disappointment. I thought the would be made of sheep's leather or something to go along with the 'theme'. Nope she was wearing so white lace bloomers. Jane if your reading this you need primal panties!!! Anyway on to the long bows. I overhead conversations on the proper arching of the wood, the release point of the arrow and the natural curve that the arrow launches in. This was relatively impressive and I could definitely see why the bow and arrow are some lethal. Now for the most interesting event, the firing of the atalatl. Okay I wrote this word three times and you didn't bother to look it up so I will give you a brief description. As one of the oldest weapons in history the atalatl consists of a long spear and a sling made of leather or wood. The sling accepts the back end of the spear and increases the velocity and thrust by projecting the spear forward. It isn't as accurate as the arrow but it is superior to hand throwing of the spear. We went through a series of alternating throws between Jane and her male acquaintance. I have seen an episode on the Discovery channel showcasing the atalatl and the puncturing of steel armour.
So on to the torture and orgies. I honestly don't have anything to report. I mean the merchants and actors had a full day in by the time I arrived and I'd envision a rough day again on Sunday before they cleaned up and went back to their normal selves. I'm sure some flogging and kink happens occasionally but I believe most of the participants are just to exhausted. Now I need to head to Pennsic. This is a two week long "war" in western Pennsylvania where people really "live" the era. I want to see the 'iron maidens' and 'pillory torture'. This I hear is not for families or the faint at heart.... I am so there....
One thing that thankfully the reenactors didn't try to recreate was the "smell" of Medieval times.
To be completed and continued later... This will be an ongoing quest...
First I do have great admiration for Anachronists. I often feel as though I don't belong in present day society but these people express and act upon it which they should be commended for. Thespians that perform 'live-action role playing' by dressing in period clothing, speaking in antiquated dialect and following a pseudo Monarchy is something I find fascinating. How people can go from their shitty Monday thru Friday lives to being the court jester or serving wench, receiving abuse for their own personal pleasure (and our amusement) is remarkable. They are often taunted, ridiculed and actually willingly participate in these acts. I spent some time watching a woman as she was being hogtied into a four-ply corset that was reinforced with "steel bone". To my amazement she seemed excited and aroused by the process which looked generally painful yet visually stimulating. She obviously just loved to dress in her provocative garb and wander around the kingdom playing her roll. Not only did her bust size increase exponentially, it was somewhat erotic (though she wasn't exactly my 'type') to see how she enjoyed enticing the common folk. How she willingly subjected herself to reduced blood circulation, perverse stares and possible sunburn of the cleavage and her elation by the attention aroused my interest. And why would she do this? For art? For her inability to function in modern day society or is she a sadomasochist? Is there anything wrong with public displays of subtle nudity or even self induced torture? I personally don't think so but is there more to these acts than was visible? That was what I needed to find out.
Now for the record this event was a family event and the actors and merchants knew it. They truly acted tastefully and entertained my family in this experience. Please don't fear a Renaissance Faire purely on my demented observations or delusion. The festivals are an excellent source for an educational weekend outing where you can observe life of a previous era. Now allow me to discuss some casual observations. The general objective to a Renaissance Faire is to recreate a former time period in history generally with the Middle Ages. Often these fairs are hosted by groups of reenactors that are heavily devoted to recreating the past as realistically as possible. They will generally dress, speak and act similar to the people from the era they are replicating. Often they will attempt to be as historically accurate as possible while others are simulating a "fantasy world" similar to Dungeons and Dragons or real to life "wargaming". The Faires are generally set up on a grassy field where rows of tents form a village type environment. At the far end of this village was the main stage for period dancing (belly dancing included) singing and juggling. The outskirts of this village housed the "game" fields for the events that included jousting, archery (including the atalatl), ax throwing and hand to hand combat. From my observations these "games" require great skill, strength and agility.
So to familiarize you with the "Kingdom" we will start with discussing the merchants as this was my first destination. One of the first shops I browsed in was the small arms dealer who only sold "historical replicas and throwing tools". Now these are only replicas of broadswords, battle axes, daggers and crossbows. Please realize these 'replicas' are purely designed for reenacting and not for mutilation, mayhem and torture. I must tell you I would be somewhat uncomfortable if I knew these 'replicas' were getting into the wrong hands but I am sure the merchants are professional and scrutinize all perspective customers. Besides how can you fault a merchant that also sells bullwhips, collars, shackles and leather handcuffs. These items are obviously intended to accurately reenact Medieval orgies and torture and thankfully aren't winding up in the bedrooms of middle class America (wink wink). Now as I previously stated this was a family type atmosphere and therefore obvious public displays of torture and uninhibited sex are not taking place. How do I know? Trust me because I was looking and if I saw anything I'd be the first to report it. Matter of a fact one of the merchants was polite enough to 'explain' to my children what many of the items he sold were intended for. There was a large wooden 'cutting board' for bread or cheese. Also the 'dog collars' for the pooch in black, red and purple ( with Stainless Steel or Chrome over Brass rings for "wink wink" durability). He also sold leather lashes and 'cat-o-nine tails' that luckily neither of us had to define to my overwhelmed children. But this vendor was cool and suave. He knew about his wares and just how to sell them. He asked me at least three or four times if I knew how to use the 'gear' and if I had 'any questions'. Needless to say he also sold some beautifully hand crafted armor and leather vambraces. He is a longtime armourer and therefore was extremely knowledgeable of the production as well as product testing of his equipment. Some of the other vendors were of less interest to me as they were only selling period jewelry, clothing and cutlery. You also had a couple of metal smiths fashioning steel swords and spears and of course the food vendors selling festival food as well as turkey legs. I must tell you I was somewhat disheartened by the lack of beer or wine but I'll get over it. Okay so on to some of the reenactors.
As I wondered about the 'Kingdom' I watched some of the different tournaments. One of the first I watched was the jousting. The arena was a large penned in area about the six of a football field. Running lengthwise down the field is a fence that separates the field in two halves. Armoured Knights on horseback ride towards each other in a semi-gallop with various weapons and proceed to stab and jab each other. Now of course these are all simulated duels and is very engaging to watch. You meet the 'Queen' and cheer on your Knight as he battles for victory.
The adjoining field consisted of so simple hay bales. They were primarily for the dressing of the Knights and assistants. Spectators were on the opposing side of a fence. These Knights were performing full contact hand to hand combat. The knights were dressed in full body armour that varied between steel and leather. The Knights wore metal helmets with face guards and the weapons that they used were wrapped with foam and duct tape.They jabbed and stabbed at each other with vicious blows to the head and torso as they attempted to drive their opponent to the ground. If you think just because the weapons were foamed that the warriors weren't fighting trust me, these were hard and fast blows generally resulting in the knights wrestling each other to the ground. The attacks are spontaneous and I'm sure painful but the actors always shake hands or give a hug to their opponent after each bout to show they are sportsmen.
Now my favorite event of the day was the archery. This was again a long fenced in field that was several yards long. At various distances were targets set up to ready to receive the days barrage of projectiles. We had long bows, short bows, axes and probably my favorite the atalatl. Allow me to proceed in proper order the sequence of events instead of rushing in to hear about my favorite event. As the archers line up in a row side by side (envision a Roman invasion) the archers take turns firing arrows at the various targets. The interesting thing is this targets varied in distance from the archers and they were shooting into a strong headwind. Now I haven't a clue on how to shoot an arrow but from my observations there is a technique to gauging height and distance as well as compensation for the wind. Now for some Mikey perversion that only I can appreciate... "Jane"? Yeah she arrived with a dude who looked to be of Hawaiian decent. They arrived with a full cache of weapons that included multiple longbows, various sheathes of arrows and spears. Now let me just tell you about "Jane". She was dressed in a bodice type top and skirt made of rawhide type leather. It was very primitive and therefore I had to stare. Now what I learned was how one properly tensions a long bow. "Jane" grabbed the bow with her hands, stepped on one end, lifted her other leg and pulled the bow string taught. Now I am admittedly a pervert but only in a journalistic manner. I saw "Jane's" underwear!!! Oh so now you want to know too. And I'm the pervert. Major disappointment. I thought the would be made of sheep's leather or something to go along with the 'theme'. Nope she was wearing so white lace bloomers. Jane if your reading this you need primal panties!!! Anyway on to the long bows. I overhead conversations on the proper arching of the wood, the release point of the arrow and the natural curve that the arrow launches in. This was relatively impressive and I could definitely see why the bow and arrow are some lethal. Now for the most interesting event, the firing of the atalatl. Okay I wrote this word three times and you didn't bother to look it up so I will give you a brief description. As one of the oldest weapons in history the atalatl consists of a long spear and a sling made of leather or wood. The sling accepts the back end of the spear and increases the velocity and thrust by projecting the spear forward. It isn't as accurate as the arrow but it is superior to hand throwing of the spear. We went through a series of alternating throws between Jane and her male acquaintance. I have seen an episode on the Discovery channel showcasing the atalatl and the puncturing of steel armour.
So on to the torture and orgies. I honestly don't have anything to report. I mean the merchants and actors had a full day in by the time I arrived and I'd envision a rough day again on Sunday before they cleaned up and went back to their normal selves. I'm sure some flogging and kink happens occasionally but I believe most of the participants are just to exhausted. Now I need to head to Pennsic. This is a two week long "war" in western Pennsylvania where people really "live" the era. I want to see the 'iron maidens' and 'pillory torture'. This I hear is not for families or the faint at heart.... I am so there....
One thing that thankfully the reenactors didn't try to recreate was the "smell" of Medieval times.
To be completed and continued later... This will be an ongoing quest...
Friday, May 15, 2009
Why I May Be Fascist and Should Be Elected as Chancellor of Education
You know the deal. In present day society you need to put a disclaimer on everything. I mean come on the coffee is hot. No shit if it wasn't you'd be wearing it. The floor is wet. Seriously the bucket of water, smell of cleanser and you holding a mop wasn't enough of a clue. Harmful or fatal if swallowed. I love to drink paint thinner with my Wheat Thins don't you?
Okay seriously I am not a Fascist or a Nazi. As a matter of a fact I am hugely opposed to Fascism and all that it represents (and no I don't want to join the Revolution or the American Communist party either). So please no racial slurs or death threats please... Thanks
Also to all the teachers out there trying to educate our children and truly caring thank you (Jen take a bow).
Okay so here it goes:
Compulsory education and why it doesn't fucking work. How should we fix it and why. An Essay on Educational Fascism.
If you have read any of my posts you must know by now that I am functionally illiterate. I barely have a grasp on the English language and therefore my grammar sucks. I fully blame it on my shitty compulsory education. As a matter of a fact I can barely even remember the names of most of my school teachers. I spent the better part of a year with them and they have just vaporized from my mind. Why? Because they sucked. They didn't teach by leading, they followed some bullshit curriculum written by some half wit douche bag. Losers sucking the huge educational systems left tit. ( I know its the left tit cuz if it was the right tit the schools would be Fascist) Now as a fine example of a teacher I remember to this day, a prime example of school Fascism and why it would work is Mr. Franz. He taught 8th grade American History. He was German and he was a Nazi (in a figurative sense). So why was he an excellent teacher? Why was I so inspired by him that I would bother to write about him? Because I learned. That's right I learned and it was by fear and respect. "You Will Learn" he'd shout from the front of the class. You were never late for his class, you never chewed gum in his class and you always paid 100% attention to his every word. You sat at the edge of your seat feverishly writing down every word... every breathe... and why? Because at any given moment he might call upon you. He would interrogate you in front of the class. And you would WANT to know the answers. He didn't follow some textbook...This dude wrote the fucking book. Here it is like 22 years later and I remember those lectures like it was yesterday. [Mind you when I say Fascist and Nazi I mean it in a figurative sense. We were never beaten or physically harmed. And mentally he only made my brain burn.]
Alright allow me to explain. Lets start with textbooks:
BURN THEM... 'Huh now Mikey has lost it'. Why is it that I can go to the bookstore and buy a cloth bound coffee table book with beautiful photos and bright vivid colors for like $20.00 bucks yet the United States of America, the largest economy in the world can't buy fucking books. WTF!!! I can do it yet these dumbasses can't get this accomplished. Here's a fashion question. Why do styles and trends repeat themselves? So the schoolbooks don't look so out of date. Give the kids a Kindle or a laptop and burn the books. Haven't they heard of PDF's?
New Math= New World Order. What is wrong with the old math? I mean you know... If the bill is $10.25 and I give you a $20 and a quarter you give me back a $10. You don't need the register to tell you, no need to call the front end manager, just give me my fucking change. We have virtual Geometry. I mean really for over 2000 years they were teaching it wrong? The little bastards even get to use calculators. WTF... Lazy degenerative society. Simpletons.
I am a School Fascist and therefore strongly support school UNIFORMS. Why? Because it works. Look at parochial schools. Enough Said.
Why are your kids fat? No gym. Or 'No Fat Fuck Left Behind'. I know they still have gym but minimally. This day in age we can give the kids a well balanced meal and have them run around the track a few laps.
And speaking of "no child left behind" bullshit. So you have one dumbass that just doesn't get it the remaining 28 kids in the class have to suffer. Give me a break. When I was in school there was segregation. And not by race, color or creed more so like Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Fucking Brain Dead...So anyway don't isolate your stupid kid so he feels socially inept. No make sure that every other kid in the class learns less so your kid feels smart. Lower the standards so any moron can pass. Screw it lets just teach what's on the standardized tests so we can get more funding to waste more money not teaching jack shit.
Now do you know another reason your kids aren't learning and who is to blame? You the parents. That's right you bleeding liberals... Your kid needs to follow the rules because they are not special. He needs to be respectful. He needs to leave his 'pacifiers' at home (his Gameboy, PSP, Ipod, IPhone) Do you believe at last years back to school night the grunts and dismay from the parents when the Principle of the school stated "third offense we keep it to the end of the year" policy on your kids crap. That means after the parents had to come to the school twice to pick up this crap your little brat still didn't learn. Mommy and Daddy listen up. "Don't let you brat bring them to school and/or teach them disciple". Otherwise I as the Chancellor of Education will have to.
What happened to SHOP? Home Economics? Seriously we used to build birdhouses, bend metal boxes, rebuild carburetors on lawn mowers, change oil on cars... Bake apple pie, wash dishes, EGG Babies... Any of this shit ring a bell?
Computer Class now this is where I really get fucking pissed. I am seeing red and you about to get a Mikey's verbal ass whooping. When I was in school we had computer class in BASIC. Yes that's right no operating system. So we had to program the damn things. All day for the computer to say 'good morning' 'how are you'? So the little tike's now-a-days they have power point, excel, word, the Internet. Amazing they can navigate a computer like the best of them. They teach me how to use some of these programs. Now how does a computer work? Blank Stares... What is a bite? Bit? Binary code? Holy Shit!! so the little bastards don't have to use a typewriter. No more carbon paper, whiteout... Okay but that means the little shits shouldn't learn the basic concepts of makes a computer tick? Wasted youth.
This is the digital age. We can teach this mass population via satellites and the Internet. People get masters degrees online but little Johnny has to sit in a classroom and rot...
So Elect Mikey Chancellor of Education and I promise I will teach your kids. They will learn respect, discipline, hard work, how to dress, how to take care of themselves.
Okay seriously I am not a Fascist or a Nazi. As a matter of a fact I am hugely opposed to Fascism and all that it represents (and no I don't want to join the Revolution or the American Communist party either). So please no racial slurs or death threats please... Thanks
Also to all the teachers out there trying to educate our children and truly caring thank you (Jen take a bow).
Okay so here it goes:
Compulsory education and why it doesn't fucking work. How should we fix it and why. An Essay on Educational Fascism.
If you have read any of my posts you must know by now that I am functionally illiterate. I barely have a grasp on the English language and therefore my grammar sucks. I fully blame it on my shitty compulsory education. As a matter of a fact I can barely even remember the names of most of my school teachers. I spent the better part of a year with them and they have just vaporized from my mind. Why? Because they sucked. They didn't teach by leading, they followed some bullshit curriculum written by some half wit douche bag. Losers sucking the huge educational systems left tit. ( I know its the left tit cuz if it was the right tit the schools would be Fascist) Now as a fine example of a teacher I remember to this day, a prime example of school Fascism and why it would work is Mr. Franz. He taught 8th grade American History. He was German and he was a Nazi (in a figurative sense). So why was he an excellent teacher? Why was I so inspired by him that I would bother to write about him? Because I learned. That's right I learned and it was by fear and respect. "You Will Learn" he'd shout from the front of the class. You were never late for his class, you never chewed gum in his class and you always paid 100% attention to his every word. You sat at the edge of your seat feverishly writing down every word... every breathe... and why? Because at any given moment he might call upon you. He would interrogate you in front of the class. And you would WANT to know the answers. He didn't follow some textbook...This dude wrote the fucking book. Here it is like 22 years later and I remember those lectures like it was yesterday. [Mind you when I say Fascist and Nazi I mean it in a figurative sense. We were never beaten or physically harmed. And mentally he only made my brain burn.]
Alright allow me to explain. Lets start with textbooks:
BURN THEM... 'Huh now Mikey has lost it'. Why is it that I can go to the bookstore and buy a cloth bound coffee table book with beautiful photos and bright vivid colors for like $20.00 bucks yet the United States of America, the largest economy in the world can't buy fucking books. WTF!!! I can do it yet these dumbasses can't get this accomplished. Here's a fashion question. Why do styles and trends repeat themselves? So the schoolbooks don't look so out of date. Give the kids a Kindle or a laptop and burn the books. Haven't they heard of PDF's?
New Math= New World Order. What is wrong with the old math? I mean you know... If the bill is $10.25 and I give you a $20 and a quarter you give me back a $10. You don't need the register to tell you, no need to call the front end manager, just give me my fucking change. We have virtual Geometry. I mean really for over 2000 years they were teaching it wrong? The little bastards even get to use calculators. WTF... Lazy degenerative society. Simpletons.
I am a School Fascist and therefore strongly support school UNIFORMS. Why? Because it works. Look at parochial schools. Enough Said.
Why are your kids fat? No gym. Or 'No Fat Fuck Left Behind'. I know they still have gym but minimally. This day in age we can give the kids a well balanced meal and have them run around the track a few laps.
And speaking of "no child left behind" bullshit. So you have one dumbass that just doesn't get it the remaining 28 kids in the class have to suffer. Give me a break. When I was in school there was segregation. And not by race, color or creed more so like Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Fucking Brain Dead...So anyway don't isolate your stupid kid so he feels socially inept. No make sure that every other kid in the class learns less so your kid feels smart. Lower the standards so any moron can pass. Screw it lets just teach what's on the standardized tests so we can get more funding to waste more money not teaching jack shit.
Now do you know another reason your kids aren't learning and who is to blame? You the parents. That's right you bleeding liberals... Your kid needs to follow the rules because they are not special. He needs to be respectful. He needs to leave his 'pacifiers' at home (his Gameboy, PSP, Ipod, IPhone) Do you believe at last years back to school night the grunts and dismay from the parents when the Principle of the school stated "third offense we keep it to the end of the year" policy on your kids crap. That means after the parents had to come to the school twice to pick up this crap your little brat still didn't learn. Mommy and Daddy listen up. "Don't let you brat bring them to school and/or teach them disciple". Otherwise I as the Chancellor of Education will have to.
What happened to SHOP? Home Economics? Seriously we used to build birdhouses, bend metal boxes, rebuild carburetors on lawn mowers, change oil on cars... Bake apple pie, wash dishes, EGG Babies... Any of this shit ring a bell?
Computer Class now this is where I really get fucking pissed. I am seeing red and you about to get a Mikey's verbal ass whooping. When I was in school we had computer class in BASIC. Yes that's right no operating system. So we had to program the damn things. All day for the computer to say 'good morning' 'how are you'? So the little tike's now-a-days they have power point, excel, word, the Internet. Amazing they can navigate a computer like the best of them. They teach me how to use some of these programs. Now how does a computer work? Blank Stares... What is a bite? Bit? Binary code? Holy Shit!! so the little bastards don't have to use a typewriter. No more carbon paper, whiteout... Okay but that means the little shits shouldn't learn the basic concepts of makes a computer tick? Wasted youth.
This is the digital age. We can teach this mass population via satellites and the Internet. People get masters degrees online but little Johnny has to sit in a classroom and rot...
So Elect Mikey Chancellor of Education and I promise I will teach your kids. They will learn respect, discipline, hard work, how to dress, how to take care of themselves.
Top 10 Reasons That Recessions Are Good
1) I can honestly say I haven't seen a bad movie since this recession began. (Maybe that's because I can't afford to go to the damn movies) No really I have gone to see a few and you know what? I only go see movies I really really want to see. Hollywood of course won't be subjected to this recession as much as you and I. They are bound to continue producing shitty movies so I just avoid them.
2) I haven't had a bad meal since this recession began. (I can't afford to eat much so I cherish every morsel) No really you think twice about wasting your last ten bucks on a fatty soybean sodium burger and vegetable fat laden potatoes. Super size? Fuck off I'll drink water.
3) The commute to work is great. I don't sit in traffic and now not only do I get my own seat on the train, sometimes I have my own train car. Actually that's not really true but I do generally have my own seat (cause I stare at everyone like I'm Jack in the Shining)
4)All the strippers and prostitutes are smarter. Yeah these poor girls used to strip to put themselves through college. Now that they have graduated to a sour job market and toxic economy there aren't any jobs. Therefore they just continue at their existing vocation with a twist. Now there is nothing more erotic than talking politics with a girl in go-go boots and pasties while drinking a Guinness. Actually it is kind of sad but really how many more investment bankers does the world need?
5) The customer again is always right and finally you can take a frigging stance. If the quality or service you receive sucks, throw it back at them, rip the shelving off the walls, tell the manager his policy sucks and he can shove the widget up his fucking ass. I will not stand for bullshit. I went to buy $50 worth of paint the other day from Home Depot. Two damn employees just blatantly disregarded my existence. So what did Mikey do complain? Nope. Tell the manager to suck his ass? Nope. I fucking slammed the shit down on the counter and walked out. Fuck them. Fuck them today and for eternity. "rot in hell you spawn of Satan". They have screwed me over enough times and I had to bend over and take the orange stick up the poop shoot well not anymore. I went to Lowe's where I was treated with class and dignity. I was so happy to spend my $50 bucks there I nearly humped the poor girls leg. To Lowe's, you have a customer forever. I know $50 is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I've literally spend ten's of thousands in that hideous orange store and never did I get treated well. Nardelli fucked that company, took the money and ran and now he's fucked up the third largest American car manufacturer too. You DICK I drive Jeeps!!!
6) I can cancel my gym membership. Why? Because I do my own laundry, iron my own shirts, polish my own shoes, change my own oil, clean my own house, mow my own lawn, clean my own gutters, wash my own car, rake my own leaves, cut my own hair, build my own furniture, hem my own pants. Not only do I not have any time to go... I'm burnt out.
7) Darwinism has entered the workplace. You know that fucking amoeba they hired out of desperation. You know the one who not only has a better cubicle than you, shows up later than you, leaves earlier than you, does less than you and spends the bulk of their (the bosses time really) bitching... You know the one... GONE.. Sayonara!!! Don't let the door hit you in your fat fucking ass.
8) Economic Stimulus Baby... That's right all the money that Uncle Sam has sucked out of you like a tapeworm you're gonna get back. Not only will they issue hundreds of billions of dollars to stimulate the economy, they may actually have some cash to fix the fucked up Jersey roads, the dilapidated bridges, build more schools, sports arenas, and power plants... That's right. And guess what... Your grand kids can pay it all back suckers...
9) The Nuclear Family may become a thing of the past. Mom and Dad can't afford the taxes on their shitbox and the bank is about to take yours so consolidate. Move right back home. Take over dads hobby room for your kids big screen and Playstation. Have pops roll the old Caddy onto the drive because you and wifey poo need to get comfy. Show dad how to us Ebay and Craigslist to sell off his collection of Elvis records and fly fishing equipment. He's gonna need the cash because his retirement fund has vaporized.
10) You can go back to dumping your used motor oil in the neighbors yard. You can screw recycling and throw all the shit in one bag (your gonna dump it in the pizzerias dumpster anyway). Use your Aerosol cans again (Big Hair Rules). Forget about green house gases and emissions. Get the 68 Hemi Cuda outta the storage unit and rip and tear up the streets. You can lead the shit out of your paint, your gas and your pencil because nobody is going to give a shit about you polluting the environment. Not when we have toxic debt, toxic banks, toxic corporations, toxic real estate, toxic insurers, toxic budgets and a toxic economy...
Mikey Over...
2) I haven't had a bad meal since this recession began. (I can't afford to eat much so I cherish every morsel) No really you think twice about wasting your last ten bucks on a fatty soybean sodium burger and vegetable fat laden potatoes. Super size? Fuck off I'll drink water.
3) The commute to work is great. I don't sit in traffic and now not only do I get my own seat on the train, sometimes I have my own train car. Actually that's not really true but I do generally have my own seat (cause I stare at everyone like I'm Jack in the Shining)
4)All the strippers and prostitutes are smarter. Yeah these poor girls used to strip to put themselves through college. Now that they have graduated to a sour job market and toxic economy there aren't any jobs. Therefore they just continue at their existing vocation with a twist. Now there is nothing more erotic than talking politics with a girl in go-go boots and pasties while drinking a Guinness. Actually it is kind of sad but really how many more investment bankers does the world need?
5) The customer again is always right and finally you can take a frigging stance. If the quality or service you receive sucks, throw it back at them, rip the shelving off the walls, tell the manager his policy sucks and he can shove the widget up his fucking ass. I will not stand for bullshit. I went to buy $50 worth of paint the other day from Home Depot. Two damn employees just blatantly disregarded my existence. So what did Mikey do complain? Nope. Tell the manager to suck his ass? Nope. I fucking slammed the shit down on the counter and walked out. Fuck them. Fuck them today and for eternity. "rot in hell you spawn of Satan". They have screwed me over enough times and I had to bend over and take the orange stick up the poop shoot well not anymore. I went to Lowe's where I was treated with class and dignity. I was so happy to spend my $50 bucks there I nearly humped the poor girls leg. To Lowe's, you have a customer forever. I know $50 is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I've literally spend ten's of thousands in that hideous orange store and never did I get treated well. Nardelli fucked that company, took the money and ran and now he's fucked up the third largest American car manufacturer too. You DICK I drive Jeeps!!!
6) I can cancel my gym membership. Why? Because I do my own laundry, iron my own shirts, polish my own shoes, change my own oil, clean my own house, mow my own lawn, clean my own gutters, wash my own car, rake my own leaves, cut my own hair, build my own furniture, hem my own pants. Not only do I not have any time to go... I'm burnt out.
7) Darwinism has entered the workplace. You know that fucking amoeba they hired out of desperation. You know the one who not only has a better cubicle than you, shows up later than you, leaves earlier than you, does less than you and spends the bulk of their (the bosses time really) bitching... You know the one... GONE.. Sayonara!!! Don't let the door hit you in your fat fucking ass.
8) Economic Stimulus Baby... That's right all the money that Uncle Sam has sucked out of you like a tapeworm you're gonna get back. Not only will they issue hundreds of billions of dollars to stimulate the economy, they may actually have some cash to fix the fucked up Jersey roads, the dilapidated bridges, build more schools, sports arenas, and power plants... That's right. And guess what... Your grand kids can pay it all back suckers...
9) The Nuclear Family may become a thing of the past. Mom and Dad can't afford the taxes on their shitbox and the bank is about to take yours so consolidate. Move right back home. Take over dads hobby room for your kids big screen and Playstation. Have pops roll the old Caddy onto the drive because you and wifey poo need to get comfy. Show dad how to us Ebay and Craigslist to sell off his collection of Elvis records and fly fishing equipment. He's gonna need the cash because his retirement fund has vaporized.
10) You can go back to dumping your used motor oil in the neighbors yard. You can screw recycling and throw all the shit in one bag (your gonna dump it in the pizzerias dumpster anyway). Use your Aerosol cans again (Big Hair Rules). Forget about green house gases and emissions. Get the 68 Hemi Cuda outta the storage unit and rip and tear up the streets. You can lead the shit out of your paint, your gas and your pencil because nobody is going to give a shit about you polluting the environment. Not when we have toxic debt, toxic banks, toxic corporations, toxic real estate, toxic insurers, toxic budgets and a toxic economy...
Mikey Over...
Why You Need To Comprehend Literally and Figuratively And Chill The Hell Out
Alright now here it goes...
First and foremost most if not all of the context written here in the first person is real. I mean real thoughts, concepts and psycho babble. These topics are written in the Literal sense. This means you should take what I say at face valve and feel it is actually the truth or Mikey gospel. Got it? Good.
Now if I am writing about other people like my parents most of the time it is in the figurative sense. This means it is meant to symbolize and/or exaggerate the topic. This means my parents didn't literally live on a hippie commune and most certainly didn't capitalize off the last Brittany album. The fact is they are hard working people that I am using to symbolize an entire generation of people.
So to my faithful readers (all two of you) I don't always literally mean what I say and often it is purely for the comic relief.
Take your chill pill and call me later.
Mikey
First and foremost most if not all of the context written here in the first person is real. I mean real thoughts, concepts and psycho babble. These topics are written in the Literal sense. This means you should take what I say at face valve and feel it is actually the truth or Mikey gospel. Got it? Good.
Now if I am writing about other people like my parents most of the time it is in the figurative sense. This means it is meant to symbolize and/or exaggerate the topic. This means my parents didn't literally live on a hippie commune and most certainly didn't capitalize off the last Brittany album. The fact is they are hard working people that I am using to symbolize an entire generation of people.
So to my faithful readers (all two of you) I don't always literally mean what I say and often it is purely for the comic relief.
Take your chill pill and call me later.
Mikey
Thursday, May 14, 2009
American Media Has Made Me A Paranoid Freak
So your asking me "dude what are you so paranoid for"? Let Mikey explain it to you. First I have a great appreciate for communal living. By that I mean modern Condo/ Apartment complexes and communities and not hippie communes that my parents lived on. First it minimizes Urban sprawl which generally pisses me off but again lets stick to one topic at a time. Now modern type apartment communities almost treat you with some decency. They often have patios or decks, central air, garages and washer/ dryers. You are almost living like a normal family. So why do you need to know this? Again because my parents screwed us all over... again. How is that? In two distinct yet relative ways.
Reason one was during their 70's wild color disco days they had these Chinese neighbors. They actually owned and ran the local Chinese restaurant. That place was my introduction to Wonton Soup and Sweet and Sour Pork. So therefore you must realize I am in no way shape or form making any racial statements against the Chinese (or any one culture in particular). So how did mom and dad screw the Peking Duck you ask? "Get to the point man". Well they knew that the entire staff of the restaurant lived in that two bedroom apartment. Now why did they not turn them in a make a big shitstink? Well now what did they do us? Nothing. As a matter of a fact they made it so a middle class family could afford to go out and eat. If the staff of 10-12 people needed to each find a domicile forget it. Chinese food would be as expensive as French food.
Its funny but one of my traits (and possibly an annoying one) is my rambling on and on about nonsense before I eventually get to the point. So back to mom and dad... Well they are fucking Capitalists ( you know that I am a Capitalist as well so watch it) so they need to make money. Big money. They sell widgets. They talk derivatives and short selling. They also invest in REIT's.. What is that you ask? Real Estate Investment Trusts. What exactly is that? Well that is basically a corporation that invests in real estate (for profit of course). So they have sold their freaking morals for profits. "Mikey dude what they hell does this have to do with you being paranoid"?
Well I happen to live in on of these complexes. College kids come and go. Corporations rent them for employee relocation's. Some families live here and then you have the Chinese family across the courtyard (remember I don't want to sound prejudice but WTF). So let me explain.
I live in a three bedroom two bathroom 1600 square foot apartment. That is much smaller than the McMansion you people live in but that is for an entire different post. We have a garage and laundry room on the ground floor and the remainder of the apartment is on the second floor. We have a small balcony off the living room to eat dinner on summer evenings (and to smoke until I quit). Now I am positive that the apartment across the courtyard is a mirror image of mine. So why am I fucking flipping out? Because they didn't move in... they invaded. The bedrooms are lined with bunk beds. I can't give an exact amount but generally feel a minimum of six people occupy each room. Now is that enough to freak me out. No way. My parents taught me that some people make sacrifices to get ahead. I'm truly compassionate to that. So why am I flipping out. What is the conspiracy? Why am I living in fear? The living room is lined with card tables. The 'neighbors' sit at these tables with laptops all day long. They also have a card table on the balcony with two of them on laptops. They attempt to mask their activities with sheets and blankets. So what the hell is going on in there? Are they hosting porn sites? Well than its all good. Are they running an import business? Computer programmers? Or are they some para-military unit? Are they hacking into my supposed to be secure wireless network and stealing peoples identities. Who the hell knows? But Mikey will find out. I will sacrifice life and limb to get to the bottom of it. And if it is your favorite porn site is being served to you via my hacked into my network don't be pissed to one night when it goes all fuzzy. It will be cuz I pulled all the wires outta my house and lined the walls with aluminum foil.
Early morning update... They are still out there...
Reason one was during their 70's wild color disco days they had these Chinese neighbors. They actually owned and ran the local Chinese restaurant. That place was my introduction to Wonton Soup and Sweet and Sour Pork. So therefore you must realize I am in no way shape or form making any racial statements against the Chinese (or any one culture in particular). So how did mom and dad screw the Peking Duck you ask? "Get to the point man". Well they knew that the entire staff of the restaurant lived in that two bedroom apartment. Now why did they not turn them in a make a big shitstink? Well now what did they do us? Nothing. As a matter of a fact they made it so a middle class family could afford to go out and eat. If the staff of 10-12 people needed to each find a domicile forget it. Chinese food would be as expensive as French food.
Its funny but one of my traits (and possibly an annoying one) is my rambling on and on about nonsense before I eventually get to the point. So back to mom and dad... Well they are fucking Capitalists ( you know that I am a Capitalist as well so watch it) so they need to make money. Big money. They sell widgets. They talk derivatives and short selling. They also invest in REIT's.. What is that you ask? Real Estate Investment Trusts. What exactly is that? Well that is basically a corporation that invests in real estate (for profit of course). So they have sold their freaking morals for profits. "Mikey dude what they hell does this have to do with you being paranoid"?
Well I happen to live in on of these complexes. College kids come and go. Corporations rent them for employee relocation's. Some families live here and then you have the Chinese family across the courtyard (remember I don't want to sound prejudice but WTF). So let me explain.
I live in a three bedroom two bathroom 1600 square foot apartment. That is much smaller than the McMansion you people live in but that is for an entire different post. We have a garage and laundry room on the ground floor and the remainder of the apartment is on the second floor. We have a small balcony off the living room to eat dinner on summer evenings (and to smoke until I quit). Now I am positive that the apartment across the courtyard is a mirror image of mine. So why am I fucking flipping out? Because they didn't move in... they invaded. The bedrooms are lined with bunk beds. I can't give an exact amount but generally feel a minimum of six people occupy each room. Now is that enough to freak me out. No way. My parents taught me that some people make sacrifices to get ahead. I'm truly compassionate to that. So why am I flipping out. What is the conspiracy? Why am I living in fear? The living room is lined with card tables. The 'neighbors' sit at these tables with laptops all day long. They also have a card table on the balcony with two of them on laptops. They attempt to mask their activities with sheets and blankets. So what the hell is going on in there? Are they hosting porn sites? Well than its all good. Are they running an import business? Computer programmers? Or are they some para-military unit? Are they hacking into my supposed to be secure wireless network and stealing peoples identities. Who the hell knows? But Mikey will find out. I will sacrifice life and limb to get to the bottom of it. And if it is your favorite porn site is being served to you via my hacked into my network don't be pissed to one night when it goes all fuzzy. It will be cuz I pulled all the wires outta my house and lined the walls with aluminum foil.
Early morning update... They are still out there...
How I Know My Computer Is An American
Their is absolutely not question in my mind my computer is 100% American. So you are saying "Mikey how the hell do you know that?" Simple are you ready? Here it goes.
In the morning it takes forever to get up and go. It's so god damn slow I wanna spill my coffee in its CD ROM drive. And talking about viruses, this thing is always sick. Man I swear it does it just to use up its sick days. And talking about days. Its American... Monday its hungover, Tuesday its just getting up to speed, Wednesday is generally a good day (until Firefox wants to update) then Thursday it slows down a bit and Friday it quits after 1/2 a day. And I can't remember the last time I could just start it up and go. And speaking of memory holy shit Windows is just a fat bloated pig. I mean seriously I can never keep up with it. If I give it a gig of ram it eats it all. 2 gig and its still hungry. And man those lazy days where it's just out there. That wheels a spinning but we just ain't moving.
In the morning it takes forever to get up and go. It's so god damn slow I wanna spill my coffee in its CD ROM drive. And talking about viruses, this thing is always sick. Man I swear it does it just to use up its sick days. And talking about days. Its American... Monday its hungover, Tuesday its just getting up to speed, Wednesday is generally a good day (until Firefox wants to update) then Thursday it slows down a bit and Friday it quits after 1/2 a day. And I can't remember the last time I could just start it up and go. And speaking of memory holy shit Windows is just a fat bloated pig. I mean seriously I can never keep up with it. If I give it a gig of ram it eats it all. 2 gig and its still hungry. And man those lazy days where it's just out there. That wheels a spinning but we just ain't moving.
Parking Authorities and the Gestapo
I am really pissed about this and everyone needs to know why. For the record this post is for people who obviously can relate to Urban areas,parking meters and the parking Gestapo.
Okay so it goes like this. Who cheats the parking meter? I mean really do packs of hoodlums invade a town just to steal the parking spots? No convenience costs and therefore people like to capitalize from it. I am most certainly a capitalist but I'm not into supporting extortion.
So who are the cheats and why? Mikey's take is like this... Honest hard working people like you and me. Why are we the offenders? Because we will pay dumbass. Now I genuinely feel that most people by and large want to do the right thing and will therefore honor a sign that says "15 minute max" or "parking for patients of Doctor Whoozie". So why do we need the parking Gestapo? Here are some scenarios for you to contemplate.
You need to run into town to see your (fill in the blank; Doctor, Shrink, Dry Cleaner, Masseuse) Anyway two blocks away from their office you see a spot. You navigate towards the spot, pull the car in just slightly tapping the bumper of the car in front of you. You lock the doors, dig deep into your pocket and 'shit'... 1 quarter, 2 dimes, 4 pennies and a chewing gum wrapper. "Man I'm gonna be late"... You look in the glove compartment, ash tray, under the seats and dig out another quarter and a dime. You peel off the pocket lint and goo and stuff it into the meter. 56minutes. Okay, you sprint to the office of your (fill in the blank). The elevator is stuck on the 8th floor so you sprint up the stairs as to not be late for your appointment. You swing open the door and... mobs of people. Shit.. You navigate your way past the herds.. The (fill in the blank; nurse; receptionist; sectary; clerk; madame) informs you that they are running a few minutes behind schedule. You squeeze your ass into a seat and you wait. Finally they call your name and you go see your (fill in the blank) you glance at your watch and behind to sweat. Shit you have 6 minutes left on the meter. Hopefully the parking Gestapo is on some other block. The (fill in the blank) asks will their be anything else? Even though you have another few issues you'd love to discuss... 2 minutes. Fuck it you'll just make another appointment.
You sprint down the stairs, tear ass down the street to your parked car and... oh fuck. It's too late there is the flashing light.. The pad is out and the ticket is being written.. 'come on I was only like a minute late' you plead for your life. "sorry" as they smirk and hand you the ticket.
Alright maybe that was your own fault. You should have carried more change. You should have told the (fill in the blank) you had to go because you feared the parking Gestapo...
Okay how about this...
I take an hour train ride to work everyday. This is based on a 5 day work week for basically 50 weeks of the year. Now I have grossly reduced my carbon footprint by commuting via mass transportation right? Well obviously my sacrifice is just not enough. Not only do I pay $331.00 per month for the train, I also have to pay an additional $4 per day ($80 per month) to park. Now as previously stated I go to this station daily and pay daily. If I happen to not get back to my vehicle in time (24 hrs) I will get a ticket. The ticket is in the sum of $65.00. Are you fucking nuts. Okay so the Gestapo wanders around looking to fuck people out of it. Are you for real? A monthly commuter and this is how I'm treated?
Okay my fault, I should have made it back in time to pay the additional $4 to the man. But what about the struggling business owners? You know the ones that struggle to give your hometown that hometown feel. Screw them. We will discourage downtown shopping by hiring the parking Gestapo to ticket the fuck outta you as you pickup your kids birthday cake.
Come on if you see someone is abusing the system, call a cop. Who the hell needs the Parking Authority? So please plead to your local politicians, get rid of the parking Gestapo. We can police ourselves.
Okay so it goes like this. Who cheats the parking meter? I mean really do packs of hoodlums invade a town just to steal the parking spots? No convenience costs and therefore people like to capitalize from it. I am most certainly a capitalist but I'm not into supporting extortion.
So who are the cheats and why? Mikey's take is like this... Honest hard working people like you and me. Why are we the offenders? Because we will pay dumbass. Now I genuinely feel that most people by and large want to do the right thing and will therefore honor a sign that says "15 minute max" or "parking for patients of Doctor Whoozie". So why do we need the parking Gestapo? Here are some scenarios for you to contemplate.
You need to run into town to see your (fill in the blank; Doctor, Shrink, Dry Cleaner, Masseuse) Anyway two blocks away from their office you see a spot. You navigate towards the spot, pull the car in just slightly tapping the bumper of the car in front of you. You lock the doors, dig deep into your pocket and 'shit'... 1 quarter, 2 dimes, 4 pennies and a chewing gum wrapper. "Man I'm gonna be late"... You look in the glove compartment, ash tray, under the seats and dig out another quarter and a dime. You peel off the pocket lint and goo and stuff it into the meter. 56minutes. Okay, you sprint to the office of your (fill in the blank). The elevator is stuck on the 8th floor so you sprint up the stairs as to not be late for your appointment. You swing open the door and... mobs of people. Shit.. You navigate your way past the herds.. The (fill in the blank; nurse; receptionist; sectary; clerk; madame) informs you that they are running a few minutes behind schedule. You squeeze your ass into a seat and you wait. Finally they call your name and you go see your (fill in the blank) you glance at your watch and behind to sweat. Shit you have 6 minutes left on the meter. Hopefully the parking Gestapo is on some other block. The (fill in the blank) asks will their be anything else? Even though you have another few issues you'd love to discuss... 2 minutes. Fuck it you'll just make another appointment.
You sprint down the stairs, tear ass down the street to your parked car and... oh fuck. It's too late there is the flashing light.. The pad is out and the ticket is being written.. 'come on I was only like a minute late' you plead for your life. "sorry" as they smirk and hand you the ticket.
Alright maybe that was your own fault. You should have carried more change. You should have told the (fill in the blank) you had to go because you feared the parking Gestapo...
Okay how about this...
I take an hour train ride to work everyday. This is based on a 5 day work week for basically 50 weeks of the year. Now I have grossly reduced my carbon footprint by commuting via mass transportation right? Well obviously my sacrifice is just not enough. Not only do I pay $331.00 per month for the train, I also have to pay an additional $4 per day ($80 per month) to park. Now as previously stated I go to this station daily and pay daily. If I happen to not get back to my vehicle in time (24 hrs) I will get a ticket. The ticket is in the sum of $65.00. Are you fucking nuts. Okay so the Gestapo wanders around looking to fuck people out of it. Are you for real? A monthly commuter and this is how I'm treated?
Okay my fault, I should have made it back in time to pay the additional $4 to the man. But what about the struggling business owners? You know the ones that struggle to give your hometown that hometown feel. Screw them. We will discourage downtown shopping by hiring the parking Gestapo to ticket the fuck outta you as you pickup your kids birthday cake.
Come on if you see someone is abusing the system, call a cop. Who the hell needs the Parking Authority? So please plead to your local politicians, get rid of the parking Gestapo. We can police ourselves.
How To Legally Not Pay Taxes and Fuck Uncle Sam
Okay so you think this is another scam where you banish yourself from the United States. No way dude this is the best country in the world and I ain't leaving. Maybe some creative accounting. Come on you pee brains think about it we are the future generation...
Alright you have your head so far up your ass you can't see... Mikey will show you how. This is mostly legal and I give you this advice absolutely free. Ready... Here goes... STOP SPENDING
That's the fucking secert. Okay but that is how our whole fucking economy is based.. So what??
Here are the places to fuck the man, screw the economy and feel better about yourself... Stop paying use taxes... Huh. That's right taxes that are crammed up your ass because they can taxes. Like what you ask? Try these puppies...
Do you really need the latest cellphone, purse, TV, video game? No you can wait dude. Be a little patient and buy it on sale or when the price drops. Your friends may think you're a dork but who cares. You'll have extra cash and Mikey will think your cool as shit for reducing your sales tax exposure.
Keep that shitbox you drive just one more year. The new car smell is nothing compared to that fine blend of stale cigarettes, coffee sludge and and old gym shorts. By some air freshener and keep on trucking...
Prepare more of your own foods. Hey we all like to go out to eat but come on McDonald's? Taco Bell? If your gonna splurge at least make sure its worth it... Eat a Hooter's
Hotel Tax.. Are they for fucking real.
Give up smoking. (I was a smoker) Fuck them. They keep taxing the hell out of them claiming additional health care costs. I'd love to see how much of that tax goes to health care.
Don't buy booze. (alright I admit this is a tricky one. We all need a drink every now and then) so lets just cut back.
Don't buy gas... (again kinda tricky but we can minimize it) You don't need a hybrid. You need to plan your excursions. Walk, ride a bike or take mass transit more often. (And minimize the trips to your mother-in-laws.)
Buy used items from Craigslist, garage sales and the newspaper. I am sure that taxes are supposed to be reported on that old pair of roller skates and the man is looking for a way to fuck you outta more of your dough so the legal way... Swap.. No not your wife pervert. The barter system. Will Uncle Sam shit himself if we traded some old Cd's for cleaning of your gutters. Maybe a home cooked meal in exchange for that old bicycle rim. Give it a try.
And my favorite of all Legal Prostitution baby. Give it away for free. You know shampoo her carpets, hang the new curtains, cook her a nice candlelight dinner, some soft music and all she has to do is dance. Alright that's a stretch but who knows... And for the record I will do any menial tasks for a good piece of ass...
The moral to the story is you work hard for your money. Why piss more of it away on taxes that are buried into your purchases? Its only a matter of time before Uncle Sam catches on so act fast. Oh and for the record I am not a tax professional so only use my worldly advice at your own discretion.
Mikey
Alright you have your head so far up your ass you can't see... Mikey will show you how. This is mostly legal and I give you this advice absolutely free. Ready... Here goes... STOP SPENDING
That's the fucking secert. Okay but that is how our whole fucking economy is based.. So what??
Here are the places to fuck the man, screw the economy and feel better about yourself... Stop paying use taxes... Huh. That's right taxes that are crammed up your ass because they can taxes. Like what you ask? Try these puppies...
Do you really need the latest cellphone, purse, TV, video game? No you can wait dude. Be a little patient and buy it on sale or when the price drops. Your friends may think you're a dork but who cares. You'll have extra cash and Mikey will think your cool as shit for reducing your sales tax exposure.
Keep that shitbox you drive just one more year. The new car smell is nothing compared to that fine blend of stale cigarettes, coffee sludge and and old gym shorts. By some air freshener and keep on trucking...
Prepare more of your own foods. Hey we all like to go out to eat but come on McDonald's? Taco Bell? If your gonna splurge at least make sure its worth it... Eat a Hooter's
Hotel Tax.. Are they for fucking real.
Give up smoking. (I was a smoker) Fuck them. They keep taxing the hell out of them claiming additional health care costs. I'd love to see how much of that tax goes to health care.
Don't buy booze. (alright I admit this is a tricky one. We all need a drink every now and then) so lets just cut back.
Don't buy gas... (again kinda tricky but we can minimize it) You don't need a hybrid. You need to plan your excursions. Walk, ride a bike or take mass transit more often. (And minimize the trips to your mother-in-laws.)
Buy used items from Craigslist, garage sales and the newspaper. I am sure that taxes are supposed to be reported on that old pair of roller skates and the man is looking for a way to fuck you outta more of your dough so the legal way... Swap.. No not your wife pervert. The barter system. Will Uncle Sam shit himself if we traded some old Cd's for cleaning of your gutters. Maybe a home cooked meal in exchange for that old bicycle rim. Give it a try.
And my favorite of all Legal Prostitution baby. Give it away for free. You know shampoo her carpets, hang the new curtains, cook her a nice candlelight dinner, some soft music and all she has to do is dance. Alright that's a stretch but who knows... And for the record I will do any menial tasks for a good piece of ass...
The moral to the story is you work hard for your money. Why piss more of it away on taxes that are buried into your purchases? Its only a matter of time before Uncle Sam catches on so act fast. Oh and for the record I am not a tax professional so only use my worldly advice at your own discretion.
Mikey
Why the Music Industry Is Fucked and Its My Parents Fault
Okay so here it goes. I will begin this blog by stating my actual objective and motive for stealing my bosses time as I write this shit, your time as you read this trash and my time as I am probably just rotting my brain. And so it goes like this...
I truly happen to love my parents. I'm well aware of the fact that parenting is a tough job and with the exception of a few minor hiccups my parents did a great job. So why am I blaming the economy, moral decay and my animosity on my parents? I'm not. So please allow me to explain. It is my personal belief that because of my parents generation or "baby boomers" if you will, my generation (Generation X'ers) have been manipulated, lied to, cheated and generally pissed on. Now who the hell am I to blame this mess on my parents and even more an entire generation of people? Nobody. Just another knucklehead who can navigate around the computer. So why do I blame this on my parents? I'm not. I am using them in a figurative sense to identify the culprits.
So how did my parents fuck up the Music Industry? Simple... They sold us shitty music and ripped off the artists in the process. What? How the hell can you say that. This dude has lost his mind!!! Nope lets look at it from Mikey's perspective...
Beatle Mania, The King, Grateful Dead... Jimi Hendrix... Led Zeppelin. What do these musicians have in common? They were good. They were original. They inspired generations. And they sold records... Huh???
I know what you're saying... Mikey dude you have lost it. But again my parents have screwed me and I'm gonna tell you why...
Profits... Entitlement...And GREED
Alright sit down in the back row and allow me to explain. My parents listened to the radio. They heard a good song so they... Dropped a quarter in the jukebox to hear it play, went out and bought the single, dedicated the song to their girl at a dance and... If they really liked the band... They bought the record... They went to the concert... They were freaking loyal fans. A new album was released and they bought it. They listened to the songs over and over. They went to more concerts... We are talking WOODSTOCK, Monterey Pops Festival, free love, LSD and artistic expression... We are talking bra burning (now I hope my parents weren't flag burners because that's not patriotic) and then... Disco?? Alright if you listen to it some of it isn't so bad but WTF really happened?? My free loving pot smoking parents became fucking capitalists... Now this post is not intended for a political debate and trust me I am undoubtedly a capitalist but come on now.
The Age of Decadence... MTV, mix tapes (Generation Y'ers may need to look this up), downloads... Wait a fucking minute... Most of these things weren't as bad as you think but what happened to the talent. When my parents realized if they just bombarded my pea brain with tons of irrelevant marketed shit and realized I was no longer their son but a unit... Mother Fucker does come to mind... So you are saying not only is Mikey's blog grammatically incorrect but he has not a clue of how the music business even works...
Oh now what a damn minute. I didn't insult you. Maybe my parents fucked you over but that's not my fault.
So it goes like this...
You and a few of your stoner friends con your capitalist parents into buying you some guitars and an amps. You in turn see some dude in Floyd shirt and go "yo dude ya play". He responds with some nervous twitch that you equate to as a 'yeah' and you drag you shit over to the dudes garage and write some shitty songs. You play countless hours and realize once the Prozac kicks in you're inspired. You and the dudes scrounge together your McDonald's paychecks and scam your parents outta your college funds. Jump into an old shitbox Dodge van and hit the road. You play one shithole after another. You have to fight the bar owners to collect your pay, hope and pray some fucking crack head (also my parents fault) doesn't steal your gear and watch out for the cops (also my parents fault) who wanna give you a ticket for a malfunctioning taillight and bald tires.
But then as luck my have it some parasite A&R dillweed sees your set. "You got a record deal?" (Just as a sidebar... There is no such thing as a deal. That's a word my parents made up that means assfucking) So of course our interest is peaked. You reply with a soft spoken "no". And next thing you know.. Your a ROCK STAR baby... You sign a contract (Remember my parents also invented fine print) and you are recording baby. Some minor tweaking to your look, your name, your dignity and your general demeanor and... You are screwed... WHAT??? Yes SCREWED!!!
You and the stoners wrote all those songs. But you may not own them anymore. You recorded those songs and guess what... After you pay the producer, the engineer, the lawyers, the accountants, and every other blood sucking leach out there the band gets the royalty check. And how much is that you ask? Generally $1- 2 per "unit". And don't forget the merchandising deal... again $1-2 per unit. So if a band is lucky enough to sell a million records, they may wind up with a hundred grand. So where the hell does the rest of my hard earned money go? ( besides Uncle Sam) It goes to my damn parents.... Yeah there they are with the fake tans, fake tits, gold watches and bleached white teeth... Good Old Mom and Dad... They take big chunks of the artists cash. So what does Myle's and the Stinky Fish Mongrels do... They go on tour...
Well that sounds cool right? You get to travel and see the world. Well kinda but... You live out of a suitcase. You have to sleep in a bunk on a bus next to Phlegm the drummer. You have to do interviews and guest appearances on radio stations that keep you interested by asking original questions like... "So how do you like the tour? "Well Rod its just fucking great. I haven't had a home cooked meal in 3 months, my jock itch is acting up cuz I now realize leather pants, stage lights, sweat and beer don't mix. Some groupie stole my left boot but other than that it's just freaking great." But the nice thing about tours is... it was harder for my parents to fuck the band over until... The 360 Record Deal baby. Please note, my parents are marketing geniuses. If there is a way to make a dishonest buck... they are on it like flies on shit. So what is a 360 deal? Its the record labels form of taxes... "Now Mikey I looked up the 360 deal and its nothing like taxes." Read between the lines dumbass. My parents have got their grimy little hands in all of the artists pockets. Record sales, DVD's, downloads, merchandising, tours. And yet the artist is fucked again.
But wait... Thankfully there is a moral to my story. A happy ending. A means to end. Yes there is my friends and its called... Indie... Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead, Prince. They give it away free and what... We still pay. And why? To support the ARTIST. That right, the artist. Buy their CD's, download the songs, got to a concert and burn your bras cuz Trent Reznor has set you free... And my parents didn't see him coming...
Well that's all for now. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna wash down my anti-depressant with my Mocha Latte and call it a day.
Mikey
I truly happen to love my parents. I'm well aware of the fact that parenting is a tough job and with the exception of a few minor hiccups my parents did a great job. So why am I blaming the economy, moral decay and my animosity on my parents? I'm not. So please allow me to explain. It is my personal belief that because of my parents generation or "baby boomers" if you will, my generation (Generation X'ers) have been manipulated, lied to, cheated and generally pissed on. Now who the hell am I to blame this mess on my parents and even more an entire generation of people? Nobody. Just another knucklehead who can navigate around the computer. So why do I blame this on my parents? I'm not. I am using them in a figurative sense to identify the culprits.
So how did my parents fuck up the Music Industry? Simple... They sold us shitty music and ripped off the artists in the process. What? How the hell can you say that. This dude has lost his mind!!! Nope lets look at it from Mikey's perspective...
Beatle Mania, The King, Grateful Dead... Jimi Hendrix... Led Zeppelin. What do these musicians have in common? They were good. They were original. They inspired generations. And they sold records... Huh???
I know what you're saying... Mikey dude you have lost it. But again my parents have screwed me and I'm gonna tell you why...
Profits... Entitlement...And GREED
Alright sit down in the back row and allow me to explain. My parents listened to the radio. They heard a good song so they... Dropped a quarter in the jukebox to hear it play, went out and bought the single, dedicated the song to their girl at a dance and... If they really liked the band... They bought the record... They went to the concert... They were freaking loyal fans. A new album was released and they bought it. They listened to the songs over and over. They went to more concerts... We are talking WOODSTOCK, Monterey Pops Festival, free love, LSD and artistic expression... We are talking bra burning (now I hope my parents weren't flag burners because that's not patriotic) and then... Disco?? Alright if you listen to it some of it isn't so bad but WTF really happened?? My free loving pot smoking parents became fucking capitalists... Now this post is not intended for a political debate and trust me I am undoubtedly a capitalist but come on now.
The Age of Decadence... MTV, mix tapes (Generation Y'ers may need to look this up), downloads... Wait a fucking minute... Most of these things weren't as bad as you think but what happened to the talent. When my parents realized if they just bombarded my pea brain with tons of irrelevant marketed shit and realized I was no longer their son but a unit... Mother Fucker does come to mind... So you are saying not only is Mikey's blog grammatically incorrect but he has not a clue of how the music business even works...
Oh now what a damn minute. I didn't insult you. Maybe my parents fucked you over but that's not my fault.
So it goes like this...
You and a few of your stoner friends con your capitalist parents into buying you some guitars and an amps. You in turn see some dude in Floyd shirt and go "yo dude ya play". He responds with some nervous twitch that you equate to as a 'yeah' and you drag you shit over to the dudes garage and write some shitty songs. You play countless hours and realize once the Prozac kicks in you're inspired. You and the dudes scrounge together your McDonald's paychecks and scam your parents outta your college funds. Jump into an old shitbox Dodge van and hit the road. You play one shithole after another. You have to fight the bar owners to collect your pay, hope and pray some fucking crack head (also my parents fault) doesn't steal your gear and watch out for the cops (also my parents fault) who wanna give you a ticket for a malfunctioning taillight and bald tires.
But then as luck my have it some parasite A&R dillweed sees your set. "You got a record deal?" (Just as a sidebar... There is no such thing as a deal. That's a word my parents made up that means assfucking) So of course our interest is peaked. You reply with a soft spoken "no". And next thing you know.. Your a ROCK STAR baby... You sign a contract (Remember my parents also invented fine print) and you are recording baby. Some minor tweaking to your look, your name, your dignity and your general demeanor and... You are screwed... WHAT??? Yes SCREWED!!!
You and the stoners wrote all those songs. But you may not own them anymore. You recorded those songs and guess what... After you pay the producer, the engineer, the lawyers, the accountants, and every other blood sucking leach out there the band gets the royalty check. And how much is that you ask? Generally $1- 2 per "unit". And don't forget the merchandising deal... again $1-2 per unit. So if a band is lucky enough to sell a million records, they may wind up with a hundred grand. So where the hell does the rest of my hard earned money go? ( besides Uncle Sam) It goes to my damn parents.... Yeah there they are with the fake tans, fake tits, gold watches and bleached white teeth... Good Old Mom and Dad... They take big chunks of the artists cash. So what does Myle's and the Stinky Fish Mongrels do... They go on tour...
Well that sounds cool right? You get to travel and see the world. Well kinda but... You live out of a suitcase. You have to sleep in a bunk on a bus next to Phlegm the drummer. You have to do interviews and guest appearances on radio stations that keep you interested by asking original questions like... "So how do you like the tour? "Well Rod its just fucking great. I haven't had a home cooked meal in 3 months, my jock itch is acting up cuz I now realize leather pants, stage lights, sweat and beer don't mix. Some groupie stole my left boot but other than that it's just freaking great." But the nice thing about tours is... it was harder for my parents to fuck the band over until... The 360 Record Deal baby. Please note, my parents are marketing geniuses. If there is a way to make a dishonest buck... they are on it like flies on shit. So what is a 360 deal? Its the record labels form of taxes... "Now Mikey I looked up the 360 deal and its nothing like taxes." Read between the lines dumbass. My parents have got their grimy little hands in all of the artists pockets. Record sales, DVD's, downloads, merchandising, tours. And yet the artist is fucked again.
But wait... Thankfully there is a moral to my story. A happy ending. A means to end. Yes there is my friends and its called... Indie... Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead, Prince. They give it away free and what... We still pay. And why? To support the ARTIST. That right, the artist. Buy their CD's, download the songs, got to a concert and burn your bras cuz Trent Reznor has set you free... And my parents didn't see him coming...
Well that's all for now. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna wash down my anti-depressant with my Mocha Latte and call it a day.
Mikey
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